Sorry to hear it's so hard for you, but it sounds to me like you might need emergency help. Have you thought about calling a hotline?

The Samaritans are a non-religious charity that have been offering emotional support to the suicidal and despairing for over 40 years by phone, visit and letter. Callers are guaranteed absolute confidentiality and retain the right to make their own decisions including the decision to end their life. The service is available via E-mail, run from Cheltenham, England, and can be reached from anywhere with Internet access. Trained volunteers read and reply to mail once a day, every day of the year.

http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

Stay safe.

Petunia