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Mar 09, 2011, 11:36 PM
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This was a very hard day for so many reasons. First I had med T (nurse) The first thing I did was hand her an envelope with her money in it. She barely acknowledged it. I told her I wasn't going to do any talking about day to day stuff since that's an excercise in futility. I did tell her that I was very hurt when she made the comment about tapering my meds. I was too embarassed to bring up the charge for mailing my script. She proceded to read from her notes she took surrounding that phone call, and read them out loud, making me feel foolish. She said she didn't think she said anything hurtful but IF she did , she was sorry. Anyway I wimped out of terminating with her, though I didn't really commit to see her again.
Regular T was very deep and scary. Instead of telling him I was done, I found myself in the middle of a narrative of a time when I was around 4 years old. I have no idea where it came from or why I had to spill that dirt at that time, but I did. What's done is done...I am officially disgusting. (my words, not T's) That lead to another memory and another visceral feeling and lots of dissociation. T helped talk me through all of that.He was surprised that there was "more" stuff so close to the surface and so was I. These were memories "I" never told out loud to anyone. I still feel like a rotten piece of meat.
I could tell T was that he had misunderstood something I said in e mail. At least that part is clear to him. I have gone into the changes I've seen in him and it's always met with denial . Reminds me of someone...but that would be definate transference, so I just got swept away in those awful memories. It felt lousey either way..the memories I had no way of knowing would come pouring out like verbal vomit or telling him I doubted his ability to "handle" my case. No winning today...
When it was time to leave, I looked at him and simply said "I want to die".
He had me call him when I got home and he did call me back. We had a long conversation about our session. Though he assured me that I'm not disgusting, or invisable, I know I am. He also assured me this isn't the end of the world happening; I know otherwise. It is apocalyptic to me.
Oh he's looking into having me admitted to a hospital too.
Sorry..I know this is vague as hell. It isn't really clear to me either.
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