how was i being irrational? i dont know. right now i feel very calm, maybe coming to terms or just stupidly forgetting the hurt so i can let it come back and punch me in the head again. either way i feel calm, just tired. is probably why.

and i never said i'd die. i said i'd go away, but never said where. besides, not supposed to talk about the big S word here. such taboo.

the only person that could ever keep me safe is me. i dont know if theres anybody that will help. to hell with calling stupid helpline/hotline phone centers. dont tell me you understand and dont tell me you care, make it go away. you dont understand you dont know whats happened and how could i possibly tell you over the phone the history of events that led up to this point. it doesnt matter. and okay its supposed to help you for that moment, but one time it wont.

oh well. i'll shush. im babbling and im annoyed now. grrrr people. im starting to like people less and less everyday.

and i would like to apologize. i've been mean
im bad