Don't know why i'm writing in here, don't really see the point to tell you the truth and besides you have more important people to help than me. I'm just some silly teenage, with no life, who's crying about being unhappy when the only reason i am unhappy is that i don't go out there and make a difference to my own or anyone elses life. Even though i have a future planned out (india then Uni), i see no future. I find it hard, unbearable to imagine my future - it's too much like hard work! But hey, no 18 yr old can imagine what they'll be like in 20 yrs and yet here i am complaining and crying over nothing! I'm soo pathetic it's unbelievable. I don't understand why i can't get on with my life - i want to look on the positive side, i really really do - but i can't, i really can't. It's so easy for people to say do this and that, feel this and that, but i feel as if i have something pulling me back and trapping me so i'm not able to do these things that will make me soo happy! I wish soo much that i could feel something again so I could look forward to meeting my friends, and not feel soo guilty when i complain to my family and they tell me to look on the positive side and not be so selfish. I wish i wasn't selfish, i wish i could be everything i want to be, everything people expect me to be. I wish they weren't so angry with me when i'm not able to talk and become reclusive or snap all the time. But i suppose i can't expect that from them - they are right in what they say, i treat people badly and then i cry to myself because i feel bad!! I'm warped, seriously, sometimes i feel such excessive compassion but at others i really couldn't care less - i'm so interested in looking after myself. I've contridicted myself in this post! Why am i writing this here? I'm not really going through what you quys are, i've just convinced myself i am and have taken you lot for a ride. What i need to do is sort myself out, stop feeling soo sorry for myself and live life. Wish it was that easy though. Sometimes I wish i could just disappear, get out of this place, walk down my street and walk for a million miles to...... I should be excited about going to India but i'm not - why?? It's the trip of a lifetime and yet i'd rather stay in this place, even though i'm unhappy here.
My mum's just come in and i've been mean again and upset her. I told her i was busy and if she could leave me for a few minutes ( i don't want her to find out i'm writing on here). All she wanted to do was say goodnight - and again i managed to upset someone. Why do i bother? Why do i keep plodding on, getting up, going through the motions. What have i to look forward to - because i'm doing stuff now and it isn't any fun. I feel so sad and yet i can't cry - i don't want to cry that would admit defeat, i'm too proud and besides what if i can't pick myself up again afterwards. I'm so scared of letting all this pain out, what damage it would cause. I feel as if i should cope alone, yet i don't want to cope! I don't want to be asked to be happy for all the fortunate things i've got - i feel bad enough for not being able to experience these things let alone try to be grateful for those things i feel nothing for. But there i go again, making out that my life is awful, i don't get it, i know that sometimes i feel fine and when i'm like that i wonder how i was ever this sad but when i feel sad i wonder how i was ever happy! I am living a messed up life and quite frankly i don't like it. I'm fed up with feeling this mixed up, for hurting people unintentionally/intentionally, for behaving the way i do sometimes, and then continuing the next day as if everything is fine and dandy. But you know what's worse - the minute i finish writing this i have to go to bed and try and sleep so that i can get up ready for another day. i don't want to stop writing, i don't want to go to bed if it means facing another day, a lifetime feeling like this. I don't want this, i can't handle this - i want to burst into tears but i'm afraid. I'm sorry if i've rambled for to long, i know i can be a pain, that i condtridict myself everywhere and can't get out of these feelings. I wish i could improve not only for myself but to make everyone happy. I want people to like me, to not feel bad around me yet all i do is cause pain no matter what. I can't help myself. I have these feelings that i know are wrong and should feel sorry for, but i can't help feeling them, i can't switch them off no matter how hard i try. maybe i;m not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm being weak, maybe i am weak - maybe all this is down to me and who i am. What if i always feel like this, how many more people will i hurt? There is soo much that i'm feeling but can't start to explain. I should go though because i know i would be bad of me to write forever - it seems rude to continue. Besides i know when i feel okay again i will look back at this and be humiliated. I'm embarrassed already for rambling on like this - i wish i wasn't a burden.