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I woke this morning still feeling relaxed and peaceful. I laid in bed for awhile taking it in before getting up to wake my son. I went to dress while he showered and I spend a few more minutes sitting with my breath enjoying the continued sensation of calm.
Expect to find him dressed and ready to go, with the clock showing he had 10 minutes to to catch his bus I was disappointed to see he was sitting in his robe at the computer. I charged into the room and told him to get off the computer before he was late again. Not impressed with how quickly the bubble of peace had been broken I returned to my room to stop the frustration from escalating into anxiety.
A few minutes went by and I couldn't resist going out to see if he had left for his bus that would come within 4 minutes by now. We live right across the street from where the bus picks the kids up and my son takes full advantage. I looked around and then called his name totally expect no replay. But he did replay and I found him still only half dressed. He hadn't a care in the world and with total confidence he wasn't going to be late.
The frustration and anxiety began to tighten its grip on me and the intensity broke me and I began to cry under the pressure. As I turned to walk away I said to him, "you know how stressful your doodling is for me but I know that means nothing to you since you always say it is not about me. Why should I expect accommodation from you." I made my way into my office and silently broke down. I was shaking and crying and my breathing was rapid as I crumbled under the pressure.
"Where had the peace gone", I cried out. I sat for a while and focused on calming my breathing and settle the shacking of my hands. Having learned by now that my best choice would be to head outside to level off with some mindless walking. But I felt a need to talk my way down by writing about the all that I had experienced in the past 10 hours or so.
I feel empty of the telling and will now head out for a short walk before I prepare myself for a meeting. A nagging though is that the session last night had triggered a kind of low level mania and this morning was the crash into a symptoms cycling me down into depression. Thinking that made me cry even harder. To imagine something so beautiful was actually harmful to me. I felt such self pity at the trick played on me and then such anger that I was denied access to to peace I had so enjoyed.
The tears well as I even say that bring up again the anger and sadness. I know I can walk past it while I walk in the beauty that awaits. I will shake this nagging sadness of a gift being torn from my hands. I will be able to cut off the over dramatizing and find that place of understanding and acceptance.
It has been a hairy ride but it will soon be behind me and I can move forward with greater awareness.
Peace be with us all.
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