Yesterday was my 3 month anniversary of stopping cutting...but I have such mixed feelings about it. I think most of the reason that I have been able to go so long without SI is because I am in a very different place emotionally so I don't NEED it, but I still want it.

I miss SI because it is something that I had completely to myself--'my thing'. Nobody could see my scars and nobody knew, except for T, and she only knew because I chose to tell her. And also because it made me feel like I had control over my body, which I don't normally feel. Which is stupid because that need doesn't stem from any abuse or anything like that so I don't know where it comes from or a healthy way to deal with it. I mostly stopped because I wanted T to be proud of me...it is hard for me to see that it is inherently unhealthy (esp because it was never super severe)

I wish that 3 months seemed more like an accomplishment and less like something to mourn...