TRIGGER for mention of r*pe. Please don't read if feeling vulnerable. I'm sorry.

I am going to post this now and I'll come back later to reply to other posts. I'm sorry to be asking without giving right now.

I saw T today, the first time since my procedure on Monday. I have had these two HUGE things, two Mondays apart, and have been managing to pretty much hold it together in the meantime. Not perfect, but way way way better than I could have in the past.

I was SO triggered yesterday. Yesterday, I was with a group of friends and one of them asked me about the procedure I had done on Monday. She said to me, "wow, it seems just like being r*ped". When she said it, I could feel this split second of "triggered" and I immediately pushed it way way away and just kept the conversation going as if nothing had happened. And of course, that WAS my issue with the procedure. My history, and being put to sleep, with men, having the procedure I was having while I wasn't even conscious. Ack.

So. I went to T and it started off lighthearted...even though I could kind of feel this "who ARE you" thing towards T. I told him I was feeling that, and he started telling me, and I was like "no, I KNOW who you are, it's just a weird feeling".

We talked about some stuff and then he really wanted to know how the procedure was, so I was telling him, and I started telling him what my friend said. I got out "she said it seems just like" and I could NOT get the word out. I finally managed to say "something bad that starts with an R". T obviously knew what I was talking about...

All of a sudden, I was just overwhelmed. I couldn't breathe. I put my hands out so T would stop talking. The feelings were SOOOOOOOO huge and I was trapped. I couldn't get up and leave and I couldn't sit there. I felt like I was nothing but a big horrible feeling - I'm not even sure what it was - fear, horror - I'm not sure.

I managed to say "we have to do something different". The walls were closing in and I was hiding behind my hands and even though the walls were so close T was SO. FAR. AWAY. He asked if I wanted to play Uno and I said yes so he got up and got our Uno cards, and that was like the END for me. I curled up in a ball and hid and said I couldn't play Uno. It was all of these emotions and body memories and just awfulness. For a long time, I just remember snippets. T must have asked me to put my feet on the ground, because I remember sitting on the edge of the couch with my feet on the ground and my face on my knees, crying. And then we were standing by his window looking out. T was next to me telling me to name things. I had my hands next to my face on both sides, shielding it so he couldn't see me. T kept talking and talking, slowly and gently, but I don't know what he said. He told me not to focus too much on one thing, so I looked at a leaf, a bush, the dirt. I couldn't see the sky

T started saying "tree, please look at me". I covered up my face, and he kept saying we needed to be connected, I couldn't let myself stay isolated. He asked if I could at least just let him be in my peripheral vision, but I so didn't want him to see me. He kept saying it..."tree, please at least peek. you need to connect. you can't stay alone. let yourself connect" on and on.

So, I peeked. And then I left my hands by my sides so I could see him in my peripheral vision. And I WASN'T alone, I got it. And things DID start to get quieter and less scary, slowly. T kept telling me what A good job I was doing. I think I peeked again.

When I seemed okay, T went and got something from his desk to show me that he knew I would like (tickets to a concert he is going to). We talked about that and I finally decided it would be safe to sit down. T sat with me.

The body memories were still there, but I felt back in the room. T said I did such a good job. He said that I didn't resist when he asked me to try things (except looking at him I guess) and that I was able to get grounded so quickly - he said maybe 10 minutes (it felt like FOREVER - I still can't believe it was 10 minutes). He talked about how far I've come. I told him I hate that those big feelings are still lurking there, and he said it makes SO much sense that I would be triggered after the past two weeks and then what my friend said. He spent a long time getting me grounded in NOW.

It was a 90 minute session, so we still had 30 minutes left. It was so gentle. We didn't talk about scary things. We just talked.

And I asked T to tell me about being safe (this is one of my current favorite questions) and he told me about being safe. And he asked me to tell HIM about being safe, so I told him all the reason I know I'm safe.

And I asked him to tell me the good things about our relationship. And he did.

And he said that when he thinks of me, the first thing he thinks of is courage, and that he's proud of me. And he left all of the good things from the end of session on my voice mail for the weekend.

I guess I'm having a hard time pulling myself out of SHAME, which to me, is the worst feeling ever. I was so ashamed of my big, big, big feelings in session. And T was so gentle, and we had SO much time to reconnect at the end, and I could tell that he still loves me and likes me and that it's okay. AND I wish it didn't happen. I want the big feelings to GO AWAY. Sometimes, it's just too much. T said he was glad I was with him when it happened so he could help me be safe. But. But.

I haven't reread this, but I know it is LONG, so if you read this far, thank you.

I am SO so so so so tired, and actually came home with a FEVER I hope I didn't make T sick. I didn't know I was sick

Therapy. Ack.