I have been using SI to try to escape from my feelings and emotions for 20 years. And I understand why, but it is still a difficult habit to break. I am the daughter of a narcissistic father who beat me whenever he felt moved to do so. Growing up in such an environment has unfortunately perverted my coping skills into something that is dangerous and destructive. When I'm stressed, anxious, or even if I feel like I've disappointed or displeased someone in my life, it is too easy to fall back onto what my father unknowingly taught me when I was a child. That I deserve to hurt and I deserve pain. And since he isn't here to dole it out to me, I need to do it to myself. But of course I do NOT deserve pain or suffering. No one does. Not children, and not adults. It is very difficult to just feel emotions sometimes, to just feel and not react in a destructive way. But I know that whatever feelings cause me to react with SI will pass. It is frightening at first to just be still and feel what you are feeling and explore where these difficult feelings come from, but it is a worthwhile and courageous endeavor. Just know that you are stronger than you think.