Sorry about your rough night Sun. I know what you mean about feeling disappointed when the symptoms get a hold of you like that. Good on you for applying the teaching about turning towards it especially with how hard it is. Kudos to you.

I hope for you Lavie that you soon will figure out why that music is so constant. I have a constant low level buzzing in my ear but nothing as distracting or bothersome as what you describe. Your persistance to keep moving forward in other ways while that music constantly blaring is impressive.

My day didn't improve much over all. Meltdown upon melted exhausted my will after a while to employ any more coping techniques. After a while it just felt like the effort to cope, manage, take a respite from the anxiety just seemed to heighten the pressure. I was recenting how necessary they were to get through every minute of the day.

I was grateful for my son when he got home from school. I had just hung up the phone from a stressful conversation. Just what I didn't need but couldn't avoid. I had put her off twice before so I couldn't do it again. I wouldn't have answered except I thought it was my son given it was just around the time school was over when the call came in.

My son was very understanding and supportive as I recalled the events of the day through tears and sobbing. He gave me a long hug and comforted me while I cried on his shoulder for awhile. He is not my little boy anymore but a strong and compassionate young man.

We talked abit about my outburst in the morning and why I get so triggered by the anxiousness of wondering if he is going to make it. It was good for me to be able to talk about it for us together to come up with ways those kinds of situations are less impactful on me. We talked about this and that for almost and hour. It felt good to get my mind off my own stuff. It settled me down alot.

I am vegging out watching old movies on TV. I don't plan to sit tonight. I think I am still feeling stung and now the thought of sitting just heightens the anxiety and even a bit of rage. I just don't want to try to process or work through any more emotions tonight. I just want to get lost in distractions.

At this point, in my current state I am not sure I will feel comfortable meditating again. I trust that will pass but to decide that gives me back a sense of control. I feel a real need right now to have some kind of control of something. Otherwise I feel as if I might fall apart completely.

I wish you both wellness and peace and continued blessing from the self care you give to yourself. I will check in tomorrow.