So I saw my T again today. I just can't get a break, she has been on my case so much the past 2 sessions. Today she was going on about how I need to learn to actually label my feelings because action words tell her nothing. She wants to know if I am sad, scared, angry, mad, etc. Not if I want to cut, puke, etc. Well that would be fine except for one little problem, I DON'T KNOW HOW!

I can't recognize my feelings, I told her that and she said that it is because I run from them and cut. I invalidate my feelings and she said that if she continues to accept listening to me tell her about my "action feelings" then she is invalidating my feelings as well.

Then she was on me for doing some of my OCD behaviours in session, saying I don't need to do that and blah, blah, that it only helps me to dissociate. -to which I denied and said that I think that it helps me relax more. She said that whenever anyone is caught up in doing a repetitive action they are feeling a lot of anxiety.

Next she starts talking about why is it that it seems like I want her to me a parent to me but then when she acts like a parent I don't want her to be one, and that she can't be a parent to me because I already have parents. Thanks T.

Then she went on about how we have been going around and arounf in circles for the past few years now and that she is sick of it and isn't going to support that anymore. Jesus.

Next she starts off by saying "So sometimes your behaviours appear really childish and I know that you don't mean to come across that way but that is how it looks. Then people feel the need to take care of you and try to be a parent to you and you don't like it, so try to be an adult more alright?" ****.

Finally she says well I am going to start pushing you even more now and when I see you slipping I am going to put a stop to it so you better do everything you can to make it work. WOW. -Fun session.

Felt like crap on the way home and ended up cutting tonight. Then I sent T a text asking if she could please call me tonight because I am not ok.

She replied saying "You need to try to help yourself to be ok, you were fine when I was away. Focus on the good things that you do at work. You are not a child, you are an adult. I am not "oncall" tonight"

I sent her a text back saying "How am I supposed to help myself be aok? I am a mess and I don't know what I feel like without using action words but I want to cry and I have already cut a bunch tonight. Also I'm not sure why but I think I am mad at you. Not because you won't call me, I felt like this before you sent your text."

About 15 mins later she replied saying "Try to find where you are strong and where your more adult parts are...It's hard to start to aknowledge how you really feel...You have a lot to feel frustrated and mad at....You can be mad at me....I can handle it...I am pushing you to start changing your patterns....If you don't you will stay stuck....I believe that you can have more in your life....You have more choices than you are used to believing....Take care of yourself...Goonite..Ttyl."

....So yea...i sent her another text later tonight but obviously haven't heard back from her tonight and won't hear from her now until tomorrow sometime...