What Maria says is true. There are aspects of your life that will get better and there are some that you'll continue to struggle with.

I work as a substitute teacher and do music gigs at night. This is the only way I've been able to piece together keeping a roof over my head. It allows me to take off when I'm having a 'dark' time. I somehow always have been able to make it through a 2 hour or 4 hour music gig and then I go home and collapse! It's interesting that a depressed person makes their money smiling and making other people party and have a good time. I've been successful one-day-at-a time not drinking now for since July 1, 1998. Last time I drank I mixed it with my meds and almost lost my mind...it was a struggle for more than 3 months to stop the tornado in my brain. It was so scary I was scared straight. I don't try 'ending it' or drugs or alcohol because (after that incident) I know I'd probably screw it up and have to live in the hell of consequences, being locked in some psych place or physically disabled in some way. So I get depressed over not being able to take something to get quick relief.

I have gotten fat due to meds and episodes of sleeping, sleeping, sleeping and unlike lucky Desertrose and some other 'lucky' folks that stop eating or don't feel like eating, I have always eaten, eaten, eaten to find relief. It has been hard to start exercising, but necessary. I have experience being 'better' due to exercising. But, I'm too tired to....never been disciplined enough....well over the last month or so, I've been walking around the park, down the street, around the blocks, doing 30 jumping jacks in spurts, riding the exercise bike for 10-15 minutes. Just a little at a time, in spurts. Something is better than nothing. I got some GNC Mega Green vitamins and I have a lot more energy now. I've been able to get back in bed in the morning for only 20 minutes instead of an hour.

It's real confusing that I can't stand being around people (living with them, relationships, etc.) and prefer being alone, yet I get lonely.

I'm afraid of being homeless again. I talked back and say "I'm Okay for today". Physically handicapped people can get disability (I get angry sometimes about that). The American with Disabilities Act of 1990 was supposed to include mental disabilities but it doesn't. I'm rambling..

I am still here (amazing). I am 53 and have been living with depressive bouts since I was around 13. Yesterday was a great day. I write these days and feelings down and do gratitude lists and reread my writings from previous months etc. This gives me the reassurance that I will get through 'dark periods', 'dark days', 'dark moments'.

I read alot! I get self-help videos, DVDs, CDS, relaxation and meditation music. I watch comedies and romantic dramas to get out of my world and my head (this helps when stuck in bed, waiting for it to pass, it passes quicker this way). It's a lot of work and......I don't have anyone to talk to...that's why this is so long. I will try to get better at being brief. This website is a relief!!!!! I'm new, too! It's a miracle that I found it, I was surfing suicide (very dark couple of days)....I don't want to die, I just want to stop the pain, darkness, stuckness, financial insecurity, etc. But, I'm still here! Today, I'm grateful that I have a place to let it out....at 4:00 in the morning. Have a better day!