"I don't trust myself, "

Rainbow - I think that THIS statement and insight from yourself is something very deep and worth exploring. What you said here feels like it may be a huge root for you. Reading your post and seeing this made me think of a tree. This insight is like one of those big chunky roots that worm up from the ground a few feet away from the tree. People trip over that root and kick it in frustration. They know it is a part of the tree, but they don't actually give the root the respect it deserves.

That is what "I don't trust myself" is like right now for you.

Can you maybe take a little bit to sit down by this root and explore it?
Can you make a list of reasons why you don't trust yourself?
Maybe then make another list of ways you DO trust yourself.
Because remember that one root does not a tree make ;-)