Thank you all for your responses. I have journaled about my feelings but I have to admit giving up on it as of late. It only seems to make me feel worse because I tend to spiral downwards when facing the enormity of my feelings and the events that have occurred. I am avoiding my emotions... I don't know how to face them without wanting to give up completely. It feels like I have been destined to fail under the weight of all of this.

I have gone back and analysed my writing for patterns and triggers and caught many. The issue is without isolating myself completely from everyone I love and care about, I have no way to defuse the triggers. I see the cycle and cannot break it. I realize this is illusory and a question of how to deal with triggers and events rather than simply avoiding them, but I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to change my thought processes. It's added an extra layer of shame because of how deeply I am hurting myself and those I care about.

The person I was referring hurting at the end of my post was my ex-girlfriend. I have apologized and explained my actions and the place I was in as much as I could but it was too late. I had been more volatile than I was aware of and she had already left town and given up her job and her life here. Even a year later, even after she said she forgave me, I still can't let go of the guilt even though I've been told by so many people that it made sense for me to be unstable with everything that was going on. Our relationship was far from perfect but it was still the best I had ever known. I need to forgive myself but knowing I made someone feel the way I felt in my previous marriage was (and is) soul-shattering.

I have tried to do the right things over the course of my life but nothing works out like intended. I end up having to "rob Peter to pay Paul" in every aspect of life. There is no balance and I always rationalize myself out of boundaries because "someone has to do it."

I can't do that anymore, though. I have to find a way to regain my strength or I fear I'm not going to make it. I am getting sick from stress often and my body aches constantly from fatigue. Every time I relax something in my head flips a switch and I get a reflexive rush of panic. I've had this happen for nearly seven years off and on. I feel like a shark... if I stop swimming, I'll die.