*I started a thread about the money/insurance/stopping therapy issue, but I wanted to start a new thread about my session because it involves some SI talk and wanted to be clear about the trigger.

Just got home from T...I don't know if I've ever felt like this. I haven't even processed the whole thing yet but I wanted to write it out on here to help me. It was definatly interesting. I wanted to address the things he said last week that upset me...so I told him those things and we talked about how I perceived them. He didn't appologize, which was ok because I realized it wasn't what he said that upset me, it was how it made me feel. But there was some very good insight and converstion.

Then, I started in the money/insurance/stopping therapy issue. I told him about the conversation with my mom, how I felt...pretty much exactly what I posted on here. He wanted to know exactly what she told me to do, which was to continue therapy because she wants me to move forward not backward. He thinks this is very important because she is offering it and she wants to do it, and somewhere along the lines I was either told or got the impression that I can't accept things offered to me because people don't really mean it. He said he would be perfectly fine if I said I wanted to stop for a while because I have gained some tools and wanted to explore things on my own for a bit. He is not ok with me stopping because I keep saying "I can't" accept her offer...like I feel like it just isn't right that I do this for myself.

This is where it gets fuzzy. He told me that I have this scary, dangerous place that I go to when I don't know how to be. When I feel like I'm not feeling/acting/dealing like I should, I go to a place of self-critizing. He said that something happened to make me feel this way and he wants to spend more time on that.

Well, that's pretty much all I remember because I put my head down when he said that something happened, and my heart started pounding fast, my hands got numb and I wanted to cry. I don't know why I was feeling like that, his statement didn't make me think of anything in particular, but something happened inside that made me think "Oh my God, that means something". I couldn't look up, I was trying so hard to hide. He said "what's going on with you?" and I told him I didn't know..I was getting so shaky and antsy.

He said some other things but I can't remember...stuff about my mom, how I feel about taking stuff from her, how I feel about other people and what they think of me. The whole time my head was down and I was panicking. A few minutes went by and he said "Look at me"..and I got so scared for some reason, I couldn't! A couple minutes later he said "I don't know if you won't look up because you're afraid you will see something, or because you're afraid I will see something." So, I took a few seconds to calm myself down and I looked up, then looked at him. He was giving me this really sweet, comforting smile. I looked down right away and he said "You're doing good, sweetheart"

I knew it was getting close to the end, so I was trying hard to pull myself together so I could leave, he asked me what I was going to do and I told him I would come back next week. I got up so fast and left..I needed to breathe.

I went right into the bathroom and was still shaking badly, and I could hear myself telling me to calm down but I couldn't. All I wanted to do was hurt myself...I felt this shear panic that needed to be stopped. I rummed through my purse to find something to hurt myself with and the only thing I could make sense of was my keys, so I took a key and scratched myself as hard as I could. I was in so much shock and disbelief...it all happened so fast. I sat curled up in a ball in the bathroom stall for a few minutes then worked up the strength to leave.

I don't even know what the hell happened today. I don't know what I felt in there, but it was something! I had some sort of revelation when T was talking to me and I'm going to figure out what it is.

Conclusion: I'm staying in therapy. And I don't give a rat's ***** who pays for it.