Oh Lavie. You wrote my post for me tonight. The circumstances were different but the thoughts and feelings you describe could have been my own words.

I am so sorry you were put through all of that Lavie. I feel so blessed by your courage to share and the magic of your timing. It may have saved my from myself tonight. Never undervalue the gift of your sharing. I had determined to pull back from posting. I was preparing to run away. I was preparing to disengage. If not that then to start performing here too. Put on a false face. Paint only pretty pictues. It is easier for me to talk about the victories then the struggles unless the story of struggle ends in victory. The vulnerability, the over-expositure begins to overwhelm. Then I read your post and thought maybe I can still do this. Maybe it really is safe enough to stay here with you guys. I so appreciate you Lavie and sun for being here everyday. For listening to me and understanding. Oh how I wish we didn't understand the pain and struggle we each speak about.

I feel like the snowball as you describe it has just gotten way too big for me to stand anymore. I feel empty of any more steam, void of any more hope... just so done with trying to cope anymore. Ready to lay down and let the snowball take me away. I want to quit but there is nowhere to hide. I am begining to think I really must be insane. I keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

In the shadow of your courage I will attempt to not shut down but to share some of the load I feel under and stay engaged with you guys. So much has been shoveled on me this week I can't hardly stand it. The week started with some manageable stress but by the end of it I was flat on the floor.

I could no longer afford to put off finishing my application for disability. The docs had done there part and for weeks it was waiting for me to do my part. Describe your disability and how it affects your life. I am sure you can imaging the impact of seeing in black and white just how messed up your life has become. It was a rough couple of days. But I got through it and it was a relief to have it down. I drew from the coping pack and found the ground again.

I had that high and low experience with the moving madala meditation and the morning of raging. The lagging fear that came from not knowing why or what had really happened.

The family support worker called, can't remember which day it was, to interview me about the child support I was getting from my ex. She reminded me that as a social assistance recipient I was giving my parental rights over to the ministry. It meant that a formal child support agreement would need to be drawn up between the ministry and my ex. I was no longer my son's legal gardian. The ministry and my ex were his legal guardians. I was mearly his caregiver. Okay... get passed that. It is legalize. It doesn't really change anything. So back to the legal and binding agreement required between the ministry and my ex. Oh dear, here we go again. My ex is not going to like this. I express my concern about how much he needed to be involved. She assured me all he would need to do is sign the agreement and send them a copy of his pay stub. Eeks! That might be a challenge. Then I tell her he is out of province. Whole other ball game. The province he lives in has a much more rigerous process. Some 12 pages of forms and a court appearance. Well that ain't going to happen. She tells me it could take as long as a year. I thought well that will buy me some time. Though she said he would get the paper work within weeks. So much for the time. I ground myself by telling myself on bridge at a time.

I went for a job interview on Thursday. I performed very well. She was impressed with my resume etc. She was ready to offer the job to me until it got to the issue of money and it was so low it couldn't even meet my bare expenses. Mixed disappointment and relief. I doubted my readiness to work with the public day in and day out in a very busy and fast changing environment. Once the performance was over the anxiety immediately took hold. I white-knocked my way home pushing off anxiety over and over again. Focused on the mountains, the trees the sky the lines on the road. I get home and change, had a meltdown, did the work of recovery. Headed out to drop the disability form off, melting down again on the way. Came home and collapsed on my bed. No sit because the mandala meditation now had me afraid to sit.

Today was meant to be a well deserved rest day. A quiet day of self care. My aunty calls and I share my plans for a family gathering on the 30th anniversary of my mum's (her sisters) passing. She did not like the idea at all. It would dredge up to much hurt. She was one of two surviving syblings of 9 and it would just stir up too much pain for the family. I was crushed. I thought this would be good for the family. I was soooo wrong. I love my aunty and would never to do anything to cause her pain. I wept with such anquish in my heart. I didn't know what I was going to do now. I ended up back in bed.

My ex called tonight and after a long and pleasant conversation about this and that
I had to raise the issues around my receiving social assistance. When I told him he would need to submit a pay stub he adimately refused. They can take me to court but no way are they getting a pay stub out of me. Just as I has suspect and just as I had feared. It cause me to drop out last year before I even got this far into it. Looks like I will be forced to opt out again. I could go ahead and let the ministry take him to course but the animosity that would create is worth no amount of money, even as desperate as my situation is. He laughed when I told him the demands with him out of province. Not going to happen.

Refusing to let him know how upsetting I put a smile on my face so I could control my emotions and I told him rather non-chelantly that I was not surprised. I figured he would say no. I calmly told him it meant that I would be cut off. It may not be much money but I was desperate. For the next however long we talked I had to keep smiling through the pressure to breakdown and acknowledge or agree with his tyrade about the risks of going on assistance. How the ministry is going to take all of my rights away. My son, my home. I said well the bank will be coming for my home soon enough. Sell it he says. Drop the price. I couldn't risk trying to say much in response, to refute him, to explain anything. To speak risked breaking down if I said anymore then the occasional, 'I hear you. I know. I get it. You're right.'

At one point my voice did get a little shaky when I told him about the job interview. He said he could hear the self pity in my voice. Then the lecture about work is work you have to take what you can get. You can't keep sitting around waiting for contracts to fall out of the sky. You have to be willing to go where the work is. Look at me I went to the other side of the country. Why don't you form your own non-profit instead of begging for contracts and holding up other non-profits. blah blah blah.... I was bearly holding on by this point. He was so clueless. He was so indenal about my illness about my reduced capacities. He thinks I can just jump back into a management job or create an organization. The only think stopping me was myself. I need to stop isolating myself, babying myself, fealing sorry for myself....blah blah blah... Fighting even hard to barely control my emotions, limiting myself to one or two words, 'good idea, I should look into that'. He picked up that I wasn't really serious and showed some frustration because he knew I would just brush off the idea once I hung up the phone. More blah blah blah... you have to push yourself to get back on track. Quite feeling sorry for yourself.... blah blah blah

I was desperate to get off the phone. I had tried to cut it off a couple of times but it didn't work. Then my son came in and used the opportunity to say I need to go. Our son isp to something and I need to find out what it is. He chuggled like he does and say okay. Talk to you again soon.

Of course I was a total basket case of wound up suppressed emotions. I was defeated. Take me away. He didn't get it one bit and all this time I really thought he did. He must have felt treatened by ministry involvement and went straight to expecting me to get back into the game of life. To deny there was any legitimacy to my condition. No reason I souldn't be workiing. Whatever.... but I felt pretty abandoned.... again.

It just all been too much for one week. The reality of the outcomes too hard to process. You put things on the bad burner sometimes to buy yourself time to balance your thinking, your emotions but it just feels like so many things have been put on the back burners but I don't have time to keep them there. I won't make my mortgage payment. My heat may be cut off next week and maybe the phone and internet the next. There is hardly any food in the house.... I have depleted my credit and not able to make any payments, I am almost at my overdraft max. It is all toooo much. And I am going down fast no matter what I do. I am defeated. I want to be defeated. I want free of the work of fighting defeat.

Thanks for letting me dump on you guys. I guess it is an expression of some thread of hope hidden deep inside of me. Nevertheless my capacity to regroup is limited to staying away from any more triggers. I am tucked away in my room and just going to stay here for at least a day. I am just going to zone out and detach from my life and avoid everything going on around me and the disaster of my existance. I have heat today, I have a home today, I have TV and internet today, some bread and butter to fill the hole in my stomach and some meat to feed my son.

I just can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring to break down my door and say, 'Guess what.... more trouble is coming.'

forgive me any typos etc. My eyes are so blury from all the crying today I can't make out much of what I am typing. I catch when I mix up letters because I can feel I misplaced my fingers on the key board and can see enough through the blur now and then to see.... anyways. I am exhaousted and it is very late and I need to find some sleep.

I will see you all tomorrow. Thanks again lavie for preventing me from holding this all inside. It broke down a wall so as bad as things look and feel.... its a good thing to break down walls.

Be well my friends. Lets try to keep on keepin on until..... until we get to where we want and need to be to feel like we actually have a life worth fighting for.