I used to get jealous and envious when reading about others' therapy and therapists. I wanted to be able to email T in the worst way. We talked about it many times.

But now for a while, I have trusted the process, as she suggeted early in therapy when it was so much harder. "Can you just be willing to trust the process?" she asked when I struggled to trust her, to get accustomed to therapy.

Now, I wouldn't trade her spoken words, warmth, smiles as well as looks of concern, for anything.

I'm glad for what works for others, and that's fine. I'm just really glad for what works for me, and I no longer feel like I'm missing out on something. I no longer feel she's denying me something because I am right there to receive all she gives.

Yeah, I had a good session yesterday, talking about missing/mourning the fantasy therapy and fantasy T, and about my awareness of that and of how I continue to search relentlessly for the perfect caretaker, the rescuer - in and out of therapy. It isn't a pleasant awareness, but there it is. And something to learn about and learn from. We talked about the emptiness, the bottomless pit, and that the searching is a response to feeling that and that it's from the emptiness of growing up without the nurturing that I wanted. And how I used to isolate myself even then, and tell myself to just get used to it - that some people get good families and some people don't and you can't make them what they aren't. Only now, it just causes me to isolate and the emptiness feeling is still there and the hopelessness about doing something about it is still there. So that is one thing we're exploring. It was a good session and I'm still feeling the calm and the connectedness. All it took was my being able to say when I went in that I was noticing my quest for the perfect caretaker and rescuer and that I was disappointed in that awareness. She complimented me in being able to bring my awareness in to therapy.

I also told her about her pouncing on the first thing I said about something last session, that I wondered all week why I was so instantly angry at the very last minute of the last session. It was good to talk about that and she complimented me on remembering it, as I am not good at remembering.

Anyway, the real therapy seems to be back. Whew!