hmmm ... well I havent written in a while, I have been talking with friends these days and trying to live in the real world.
But
IM SCARED!
IM Petrified!
It used to be that I was afraid of people and what I perceived as dangerous or better yet THE UNKNOWN.
I have found though that I am afraid of life...
of actually living...
of taking the 1st step to change where I am at...
I am all talk ....
I want so much to live a dream but cant find my way into pursuing it.
I look and view all the dreams and see how wonderful life can be...
but then I retract from it.
As if I am scared.
As if I am helpless.
As if I am incompetent.
I think I have been molded into a failure over the years.
I am afraid of succeeding in life, although I have had success in places where I did not want it.
I have walked away from much in my life including my unwanted successes.
These days I am trying to change my real life in the real world, follow my dreams ... but I am so afraid.
I want to retreat to my bubble, my hidden world. The problem is that my world has changed so much in the last few years, since I started to heal from the scars. So much has changed that I almost cannot recognize it.
I want to know how to take the first steps to not be afraid.
I want to go to school and learn.
I want to apply what I have learned.
But I am scared.
I am lost and I do not feel confident in my quest.
I feel like a little child lost in the hallways of life.
How to follow a dream
How to follow a passion
How to follow my path
How to recognize it and be confident
How to have the drive needed for success...???
WHY DONT I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!?
I want to live my life
I want to be happy
I look at others pictures and their lives and see how happy and how much of a good time they all share and how much they can socialize and laugh and smile with eachother.
I see how they work and love what they do
I see how they work with their partners and with such ease
I see love and happiness in others
but I do not see that in me
I see a void
and I do not know how to fill it with more than what I know
I am scared and then I am sad and in the dumps cuz I feel helpless
I feel like I will never be able to reach for a dream and actually make something of it.
wish I didnt feel lost and overwhelmed
I wish I could be in my mothers arms and shown the way
but there is no such thing cuz she is lost too.