|
You and Lavie and SunSun mean a lot to me too Sun. It is what made me to deny my old patterns from denying me those things that matter the most.
I was just feeling so badly with how much I was letting myself be a victim again and resigned to staying there and avoid trying to find any more resolve to stick with the program.
I called my sister to cry on her shoulder after the call from my ex. She suggested that his behaviour was because he needed an escape to justify his refusal to cooperate with social assistance. If I could return to work then I wouldn't need government assistance. Problem solved. In doing that he had to deny my illness and the limitation it imposes on my life. He had to package things differently to arrive at an alternative to divulging private information or for me needed to give up my parental rights.
My sister called me this morning and told me that she wanted to take over my mortgage payments. I was so touched by her offer but because of my pride I was resistant to facing reality. She asked me to think about it and I said I would. I told how much it meant that she would make such an offer.
My ex phoned shortly after and he had made a 180 over night. After the conversation with him this morning I think my sister may have nailed it. He was back to being understanding and supportive and acknowledging the truth about the illness. He offered to make up the money I would loss from government assistance for as long as I needed it. He said he would always valued my friendship and that he wanted to be here for me to get through these hard times. He apologized for his behaviour last night and wanted to make things right. He acknowledged that his suggestions were out of line and he acknowledge that the bipolar was not my fault.
He invited me and our son to move out to live with him until Oct. when he hopes to move back here. He said he could get me some contract work if I was there that I could do from home so it wouldn't put too much pressure on me.
After some more discussion I proposed back to him that I could start to do some of the development work from here to set up a non-profit he had suggested. That I could get the ground work in place so that when he moved back here he could assume the management role. I could still work behind the scenes within my capacities.
Then got to talking about an old idea we had when we were together to set up a business. I would manage the online marketing and sales and he could do the direct sales, cover events and trade shows. We both got pretty excited about the idea.
What a difference a night can make. I feel much less panicked about everything and now I think there is hope for me yet. I am going to be able to accept my sister's offer. It will be temporary. I have cause now to believe that there still is reason to hold on to hope.
Even if none of the options talked about with my ex actually happen I feel less up against the wall. I don't have to assume my only option is government assistance. Even that might only be temporary. I don't have to lose all hope just because I need help for a while to get back on my feet. It is just temporary.
I want to acknowledge how big a role making the decision last night to stick with being real with you guys played in all of this. Had I not been drawn back in to the magic of this thread I wouldn't have even taken their calls today. The decision not to runaway and hide in isolation began here. We can chalk this victory of overcoming defeat up to friendship and unconditional love.
I am sorry I was about to let myself turn my back on you and walk away from the beauty we have created here.
|