I cry all the time, but I feel mad at myself for getting out of control or crying over "stupid things." I try not to cry out loud because I feel like I'd absolutely wail if I let myself go. I try to keep talking and pretend I'm not crying, or I apologize.

I'm so glad someone mentioned that they're taught not to give you a tissue. I've felt a little rejected because no T has ever offered it. I always feel so rude for taking one without asking or being offered, but if it's between that and being covered with goo, I do it. I never thought about the fact that someone handing you a tissue also means "clean yourself up," so it makes a lot more sense now.

My current T makes very comforting faces, but he doesn't say anything. If he tried to touch me I'd want to sock him. I wouldn't want to feel held; I want my physical boundaries to be big when I'm feeling vulnerable.

I'm scared to leave with red eyes, too; I always stop in the bathroom on the way out.