I'm scared!!! In my 15 or so years of therapy I never got to where I am now. I don't know if I can do it. The feelings slipped out last week and I'm afraid of them. I can picture my T looking at me when I said I wanted to throw the buzzers. I don't know what that look was. I think she said to throw them but I didn't. I can picture her watching me when I said I wanted a piece of paper and proceeded to scribble all over it and then tear up the pieces. This was after making the card I think. She was strong and compassionate. I know she will make it okay to let out my feelings and she's not afraid I will hurt her. But maybe she doesn't know that I could get out-of-control. Maybe there's a monster inside of me!

It's so complicated for me because of the mixed-up feelings I have from different parts of me. The child loved the card! The adult was angry! Another part can't calm down about the whole experience and was turned-on by it! I'm so afraid of falling apart in front of my T, of feeling all of those things with her looking at me. It feels so intimate when she looks at me. I want to close my eyes but I also like to look in her eyes because they are pretty.

I am not used to being so close to someone and having all of these complicated feelings. I want to scream! But I have to go on with my life where no one knows what's going on with me in my therapy! I wish I could put RL on hold for a while so I could concentrate on therapy. I wish I didn't have to pretend that everything is all right with me when I am tormented by all of these powerful feelings!! The only place to let them out is here and in therapy. I suppose I could punch my pillow or something. This is really difficult for me.