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Mar 12, 2011, 11:20 PM
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: So Cal
Posts: 3,342
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Although I am finding I am crying more in T over the last two years (for the first five I just couldn't get deep enough), I find it very difficult and uncomfortable to show my feelings. I was always told and taught to "dry up" with the old "I'll give you something to really cry about!!" line. Plus one abuser was not emotionally capable of dealing with emotions while the other was so overwhelmed with her own grief that she was almost emotionally absent.
My T's have handed me the box of tissue before. It makes me feel guilty. I tell myself "now look what you did...you made T get up and take care of you". I hear some of you say how T comes and sits close to you, or how T holds your hand and I long for my T to do this when I cry....BUT....the idea terrifies me. I think if T validated my feelings/emotions by doing this it would only serve to tell me that I was worthy of that sort of care....and then I would have to accept that and I would have to face the fact that I was not taken care of on a whole new level that I don't know if I'm ready to do. If T attempted to comfort me....I think I might melt into a mess of tears and be paralyzed by the fear of letting someone get too close. I am afraid I might lose control and lash out...not cause I would want to but because it would be like some weird safety reflex that would be so sub-conscious and automatic. 
I'm afraid to feel and experience caretaking. It terrifies me. 
I don't even know if this makes any sense....
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