I have so much I want to say, but I won't get much of it here today. I just have so much frustration and depression in my life, it would be a long post for me to put it all down. But I'm hoping to get a little of it out today.

Before I start, let me just say a few things about myself, for those who don't know or don't remember. I have OCD and panic disorder, which limit me greatly. I don't have a job and can't get one. I don't have a car and can't get one. I need money. It's all a vicious circle, and I want to move on with my life so bad. My mom has been waiting almost a year to get a settlement when she sells her home, but for whatever reason, it hasn't happened yet. She says she'll buy me a laptop computer when she does, so I might have a chance to get some money through writing. The computer I'm using right now is my boyfriend's, and I get limited time on it.

Speaking of my boyfriend, he's a good guy overall, but neither of us wants this relationship permanently. I'm not perfect, so don't think I'm saying that I don't have faults, but I want to vent a little about him, if that's ok. As soon as he's home from work, he gets on the computer to play games. He'll have periods where he doesn't do this, but it's the usual. I know people get into games; I've played some myself, but I'm not really a "gamer." I cook dinner when he comes home, generally. I hate cooking, but I do it. Afterwards, I'll watch TV and entertain his bird. Sometimes I'll go to him and try to tell him a joke I heard on TV or make a quick comment (I know not to bother trying to get into a conversation), and sometimes he'll listen, but most of the time, he says nothing, or gives a little grunt, or acts annoyed with me. When he does come into the living room, it's usually to watch a show, or sometimes to read, and again, I have to keep quiet (which I understand, during an interesting TV show) or get the grunts while he reads. He might talk to me during commercials, or he might go back to his game until they're over.

While I don't "desire" him, we haven't had sex in about six-and-a-half years. He says he has no stamina, because of his weight gain, and I understand that, but it doesn't change anything. I want to be hugged, touched and loved. I'm very overweight, too, and face a lot of physical challenges because of it. I want out of this relationship, and I want to kiss a man, be touched by a man, be made love to by a man. Even if my boyfriend would have sex with me, I'd still want out and want a really compatible man. I'm leaving out a lot of things I want to say, because like I said, this post would be long, and probably exceed any character limits. Also, I know it's hard to read long, depressing posts sometimes.

One thing about me you should know, sex is important to me. I'm not getting graphic here, but many people think it's not important, and that's fine for them, but not for me. A lot of people don't understand this, but intercourse is painful for me. I've had different diagnoses, but the latest one is that I need to be "stretched." (I had sex off and on for six years since losing my virginity, but I guess that wasn't enough.) Nevertheless, I have a strong sexual desire (although it suffers because of depression), and want to be held, loved, in a man's arms, as much as possible before I die.

My weight is a big issue, but I am working on it, so I won't get into it right now, even though I have issues to talk about concerning that.

I feel like I have so little control. I don't have anyone to talk to, but I don't like talking on the phone much (it hurts my ear, and I'm usually too busy). I generally have to ask my boyfriend for permission for things, since he usually pays for them (buying books, ordering pizza--which is very rare, because he doesn't like pizza much, ordering a movie off Comcast OnDemand), and it makes me feel like a child. Sometimes I get eager for things and bug him. I don't mean to, but there's something inside me that compels me to be that way; I basically think there's a part of me that will never grow up. Other parts of me are very mature.

My dreams are fading away, and it's killing me. I hate my life. No one can understand me. My therapists have never gotten it; they want me to give up my dreams and just be happy in the life I have, but only a person with dreams who can't imagine living any other way can understand how I see life. I have always wanted to be an actress in film and TV, and that's the only life I want. I want the chance, because if I don't even get a chance to pursue it, then I'll regret never having even tried, and if someone doesn't get that, then f*** him or her, because they can't help me.

I worry about other people, like my mom, and feel helpless because I know I can't do anything to solve the whole problem. My mom will die someday, and I'm scared she'll suffer, and be terrified (I especially fear for her being in a state of panic, like I have with panic attacks, and I can't help or save her). Sometimes I think of all the pain and suffering in the world, and I well up with emotion and start crying. I become overwhelmed when I think of animals suffering and being abused. I feel horrible about animal abuses in my past, even when I wasn't responsible for it. (I didn't stand up to my dad when I knew my dogs weren't getting enough food, despite him telling me one can a day was enough. They were skinny! But I was afraid of him.) I have such heavy guilt, some deserved, much of it not.

Sometimes I just want to scream. I get stress headaches, and I am almost always on the verge of tears, ready to spill them out in an ocean of misery. And no one to hold me or comfort me.

I wanted to post sooner, but it's hard to get started on this kind of post, because it all begins spilling out, and the emotions take a lot out of me. Thanks for letting me rant and get some of it out.