So I found out that my mom has an enlarged heart, congestive heart failure, and pulmonary hypertension. So I would like to talk about it with my T but she is on vacation for 2 weeks. She did however set me up with an interim T who I know very well.

I am not sure I have a point. I guess I just don't want to be alone in the knowledge that my mother may die soon. When my father died, I was torn up about it, and I hated him. I love my mother. It makes me wonder how well I will deal with it when the inevitable happens. I did promise her that I would not make myself sick with grief and end up in the hospital. Right now I am numb. I don't really feel anything about it. It doesn't really feel real. I keep picturing my dad's funeral and see my mother there instead of him. It is a horrifying vision. But it all seems so far away. Like I see myself but I am behind myself and I can't reach myself. If that makes any sense.

So I will wait and talk to my T about it when she gets back. I'm scared. I miss T already.

I don't want my mother to die.