I think we are very much alone in our 'real lives' especially at the worst of times. No matter how many people are around offering support the illness divides us. We can't connect. We are different. We are alone among normals. A breeding ground for loneliness and self doubt.

If we thought it through logically we might ask, 'who would make this kind of stuff up? Have we not begged and pleaded to be free of the symptoms that dog us? Have we not worked out butts off to keep getting up when the symptoms knock us down? For what reason would we impose any of this upon ourselves? If we just wanted to pull off a scam so we could opt out of life is this how we would choose to do it? If so would that not be a sign of mental illness in itself?'

Or perhaps if I can convince myself that there is no illness then that will mean I can fix myself. Poof!! Everything would go back to normal in the wink of an eye if I just put aside any notion of mental illness. Isn't that just another version of denial? I know for me it was the years and years of denial that made the symptoms worse. I thought I could push them away but their grip just got tighter. Accepting I in fact just might be facing an actual mental illness proved to be the turning point in the direction of recovery.

I believe in spite of everything we need to focus more on our gains then our relapses.

The most significant cause for my turnaround from last night to this morning was the renewal of hope that there were still options yet to be found. That I am not doomed to a life dependant on others to keep me alive. My need for help might only be temporary.

Oddly, I feel grateful to my ex even if it came from his own fears, for giving me a glimpse of what still might be possible. For renewing my faith in myself that I can live with this illness and have a full and satisfying life. He gave me cause to think outside the box I was putting myself into by allowing the stamp of disabled define me. It is not a given that because we have a mental illness that presents lots and lots of challenges that it automatically mean we are disabled. We are able. We are sooooo able. We just might need special accomodation sometimes. That is what keeps us working towards recovery. It will come but it just might not come the way we think it should or as fast as we want.

Okay... I know I am rambling. I seem to get excited when I turn the tables on doubt and let renewed hope lift me up to believe in myself again. When renewed hope returns I feel the power return along side of it. Telling myself over and over again that 'this' is not my fault. I did not choice this, but I can learn to cope, to live a fulfilling live and to maybe even experience happiness again. I am closer then I was 10 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months again, before we came together here even with the ups and downs. Truth be told I am making gains. We are all making gains but sometimes we are just too close to see it. Like when people say to me, 'wow your son has really grown' and I look at him and realize I hadn't even noticed because I am around him everyday. It happened too gradually for me to see.