But here's the other thing... I"m so, completely scared of what I could discover... I've just been trying to put it off, so that I have control... which is creating an illision of treatment (I hate it when the lectures I get from my PDoc are correct... even though I hate the way he brought it up) When I tried to get the assignment done, I felt like needed to just feel pain... to feel some sort of control. Now it's gotten me in knots and I don't like it, so I have reasisted writing more, partly becuase I don't know what to write. I'm just so scared of what it will do, that I used distraction all day yesterday, and didn't even study... this is a big problem... what do I do to even face this??? Or do I need to have some one close by when writing this?? I just don't know any more.... I want to distract myself to run from this task... Yet I want to get better... how can I have both?