Although I have so much that i could rant about to you guys, it would all be the same as usual.
So today it's a little different.

A couple of weeks ago i booked an appointment with the college counciller. It's tomorrow. I'm so scared and nervous about going.
Last time I managed to go weekly for about 4/5 weeks and I havent been back since (that was probably about a year ago now).

I dont know what I should say. I mean, I want help but I really struggle to reac out for it, even if it is very close. Because I dont want to seem weak. I have nothing else going for me, the only thing is that I can just about give an outward appearance of being strong and independant. It's hard to break down that barrier with my own hands.
And I dont want a repeat of last time: talking about times that i can hardly remember, and then when we actually get to something relevant, i lie and deny.
But then what if i did tell her about my scars, my suicidal thoughts, my previous attempts, my struggle to keep from self harm, what would she do? Would she have to tell the college and they tell my parents? Would she make me go to the doctors? To a mental hospital? I cant have any of those. I dont want people to know, especially my parents. And i certainly cant take time off college.

I really do want help but I'm just so nervous about what help means. Nervous that I'll be treated differently, looked down on (even moreso than i already am), pitied.

Well I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I suppose it's only one hour, and if I do end up lying, all thats going to happen is that i stay the same as I have been for the past 6 years.

Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading. xxxxx