All of my life, that is up till I was in my mid 40's, I would always recall or chat with friends that I had the best childhood ever. I was never spanked, as I was "the perfect" child. I did at times get jealous of my friends when they'd talk about their fav toy or dress, and they would remember all the details as to the color, and texture and feelings related to whatever they were talking about. I wasn't able to do that and I didn't realize the memories I had were all focused on one topic, and that was wintertime and sledding and building snowmen. Winter seemed to be my "whole childhood". But, I was very content and satisfied that I had a wonderful childhood. Although, as an adult, I always felt so dirty, and this scummy feeling over my body, and didn't like to sit next to anyone because I knew they would smell me or if they touched me they'd get sick. So I would just add a few more splashes of perfume or take several showers a day. Come to think of it, I do believe folks could smell me a mile away with all that perfume .. lol.

And then in my mid' 40's my whole world was shattered in therapy. We must get to the "root" of the problem, I still can hear the T saying over and over again.... I hate those words, to this very day....Anyway, I had to ask my brothers and sis what our childhood was like because the T wasn't content with my "happy memories".. And lil by lil things were uncovered that shattered me and left me feeling so confused. My happy childhood was now contaminated with ugly, dirty, secrets. I was pissed... How dare the T do this to me.. What is the purpose of this??? Was the T's intent to destroy me more??. Childhood was not an issue that I needed to bring to the table of therapy. When 2 and 2 doesn't add up to 4, what is the big deal. I still feel resentment and anger with these issues being uncovered. I just don't understand why one would want to "crash" a happy childhood.. Being real or not.. The only thing I hung dearly to was those happy times...Funny how the mind works.. But I somehow won't let the "bad things" touch or get close to the "happy times".. Is like looking out my left eye and the not so good things I see, and looking out the right eye, are the happy times.. I can see two kids.. "the one hiding" and dirty.. and the happy child sledding down huge slopes and laughening.. The power of the mind.. wow..