A few years ago, I lost my best friend because a new anti-depressant med i was on made me feel suicidal and I attempted suicide. She didn't understand that it was not my fault. When she found out, she said I was being selfish, and called me a baby, and that I never deal with my problems but just run away from them. Which is the opposite of what I really do. I think she felt scared of me dying, but did not handle it appropriately. Some people just do not understand, and probably never will. That is not our fault. They just don't know what to do and what being a friend really is. Sure, being a support to us with our illnesses can lead to some stress and discomfort, but that's what being a friend is all about. We don't need people in our lives who are just going to ditch us... but unfortunately, it happens. And it is extremely painful, but we get back up, find others to be friends with, and can go from there (eventually).

You are not a horrible person. Yea, there are people who hurt us, and we hurt some people along the way, that's normal. You aren't worse or horrible or dark and hopeless, or a poison. You aren't some monster just hurting everyone in your path. I have felt the same feelings as you have described, especially when I lost my best friend. I actually eventually lost my boyfriend because of another suicide attempt. Actually, I've had a lot of people desert me due to my mental illnesses. But there are some people who haven't left me. I fear sometimes that my current boyfriend will "give up" on me. But after it happening so many times in the past, it seems like a legitimate worry.

Anyway... Loss is very hard no matter how you lose something or someone. But I hope you will realize it was NOT your fault and that obviously this friend of yours has her own issues to just ditch a friend in need. Life is worth living because of the good in it, no matter how much or how little, if there is 1 good thing in this world, it is worth fighting for.