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Thank you Lavie for sharing those thoughts that dominate your thinking when you are in what you call a depressed distorted state. I am sorry they are causing you such sadness. I hope it lifts for you soon. I think that what can be hardest to take is while we know our thinking is slanted by the depression the thoughts hold grains of truth. They still reflect our perceptions of our reality. People around you have been given an easier road to follow. People have gotten away with doing little to earn their good fortune. People do luck out and find life partners who stick by them no matter what. Your effort to be a good person, to be kind and generous to others has to often gone unrewarded. So far. As Dr Phil would say (yes I watch Dr Phil lol) ‘I don’t ask why you feel the way you do, but rather I ask why wouldn’t you?’
It is human to feel all those things you describe in the face of what you see all around you. When you are left alone to carry such a burden, while others with half the burden are supported it is natural to feel hurt and abandoned. The hurt is real, the aloneness is real.
It is sad because it is so glaringly obvious that you deserve better. You deserve compassion and unconditional love and all the kindness the world can shower upon you. You deserve the desires of your heart to be realized. Not because others less deserving get free rides or that you have done anything to earn them but because they are such burning desires. I don’t believe you will be denied those dreams. The time will come when you are positioned to receive the gifts of your desires.
I know when the depressive brain loosens it grip your old hurts and resentments will loosen their grip too. It is hard when we are depressed to imaging thinking apart from our pain but you seem to really get that.
I am proud of you for ranting. I really think the greatest value of a good rant is that it begins to dis-empower the impact of depressive thoughts. I hope that is true for you. I hope it helped you to say out loud (so to speak) the nagging hurtful thoughts that their power might lessened. I pray that to be so.
I am impressed by your insights and self awareness. You may still be holding on to things but you are aware of it and I think that that is a huge step towards your healing. The rest will flow naturally. Give yourself time. The causes of your hurts didn’t happen overnight. It will take time to heal the scars they left behind. You will get there. You will be an over comer. You have already over come so much in your life. Give yourself lots of credit for knowing what is toxic and for how much you have already released.
I think we all deserve major kudos for continuing to open ourselves up to greater self awareness, a greater sense of personal power, to learning new ways to stand up to those things that try to tear us do. I think it makes us more open, more prepared, more ready to receive the gifts waiting for us to find them. We are taking responsibility for our recovery, and contributing to our greater wellness and my hope is that along the way we can each find our own understanding of what we truly desire and how we can honour and fulfill our dreams. I pray that we will come to see ourselves as deserving. Not by our works but by our knowing.
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