I can't stop questioning if there's any point to any of this. We are all living these lives believing we are so important and that we actually mean something but seriously, I think everyones just convinced themselves this so they dont have to face up the the facts. Everyone here is tring so hard to go to school to get a job to get a house to have kids to pay for them to grow up and go to school to get a job to get money to pay for their kids - it's a never ending chain where nobodys living. Everyone is obsessed with the mania of owning materialistic objects that in the end mean nothing. Am I seriously going to look back and think "wow I'm so glad I saved up for that dress that I wouldn't be seen dead in today". In the end we're all just specks. Whose going to remember any average person in years time? To them I won't have even existed. I'm one person out of billions that have existed and they try and tell me I'm important!? And that I have any point or purpose at all!? Why do they want me to try so hard to make an effort? I have seen life now, I know what it's like I know that Im going to make effort to build up my life just to die in the end anyway! I dont like life, I'm not happy and I don't see the point in making an effort to pretend to like life just to keep others happy? That's all Iiving for -OTHER PEOLPLE. Not myself, im done. To me it seems selfish for them to want me to make so much effort just to keep them happy. She tried to make me feel guilty that I'm willing to throw my life away when there are people in the world fighting for life - they can take my life, I'd happily give it them - they'd spend it happier than I ever could. I'm just sick of feeling bad all the time and I'd love to get the old me back. The me that could be happy and normal and didn't doubt my own existance. Why can't I be likethat again? Why do I have to be like this? It's not fair. I am sick of feeling depressed all the time I'm sick of having to care what everybody else thinks. And I'm sick of working so hard to keep my thoughts and feelings from my parents because all I want is for them to be happy and normal, and I don't want to be the disappointment or the failure or the one that they're all sick of. Then the effort goes unappreciated and they just have a go at me for not being normal. I am sick of life. It's just pain and sadness, living in hope for the rare moments when we can be truly happy. Sorry I'm just rambling on I just feel all bleh. :/