Oh, BLAH.

I saw T today. I told him how it's been lately - all of these body memories at night and ALL of this noise in my head and I haven't really slept for 3 days. And the less I sleep, the worse it gets and I really don't know how to make it STOP. It's starting to spill over into daytime now.

He asked about the noise in my head, and it's just a litany of everything I've ever said or done wrong. And when I start to drift off, I hear "TREEHOUSE" (the long version of my name that I went by as a child) and it jerks me awake and it starts again.

He said it sounds like a lot of shame.

The session was okay-ish. I was able to stay present, and I worked REALLY hard to be honest and to stay present and to try whatever he said to try (sit up straighter, etc). And it sucked and was hard because I am soooooo tired.

Maybe 15 minutes before the end (it was a 90 min session) I asked him if he would sit with me and I could rest for a minute. He said yes and came over. I held his hand, but got this weird vibe off of him - like he was almost physically pushing me away. After a minute, I asked if I could sit in his chair and he said yes, so I moved.

I was really honest about feeling pushed away, and he thought about it and said that he did have his arm different than he usually does, and that he could see where it would seem like pushing away. He talked about me being hypervigilant right now, and really aware of that kind of thing. He said that he really wasn't pushing me away.

Then he asked what I needed to know to go home feeling safer (I was talking about not feeling safe). And this is where it really started to suck.

He said "this is your chance to believe ME" (we had just talked last week about whether he believes me and my story). He said "is there anything you need to ask me so you can go home feeling reassured?" He said he would be honest.

I did ask something...like "do you like me less" and then I started telling him how I was feeling...like I was seeing me the way HE sees me, that HE sees this bad stuff about me all the time and I'm just now getting it, and that it feels embarrassing. I was super honest and open and vulnerable.

And he said, literally "we're almost out of time". And then he said "who in your past made you feel like that" or something.

And I just felt like . Because he SAID to tell him whatever so I could be reassured and I was SO honest and his reply, instead of reassurance was "we're out of time. who made you feel like that before". WTF?!

So, I said that what happened didn't feel fair. That he had encouraged me to open up with the promise of reassurance and that I had let myself go to a really vulnerable place and that he didn't keep up his end of the bargain. i kept asking "right? that's what just happened, right?" because I wanted to check and make sure.

I got up to leave and we were standing there looking at each other. He said that he could see where it felt like a "bait and switch" but that that wasn't how he meant it. And he apologized.

I told him that I didn't want a hug today and he said okay and I left. He called something out about my next appt (thurs at 9) while I was leaving and I said okay.

I know I am in a bad, spiraly place anyhow because of so many recent triggers combined with lack of sleep. AND I know that T isn't perfect, and I don't expect him to be perfect. But I just felt TRICKED. It still stings when I think about it. A lot, actually.

So. I didn't call and ask for my message and I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just show up on Thursday, although the thought of being trapped in that room for another hour this week sounds unbearably awful.

I seriously seriously seriously hate therapy sometimes.