(((((SS)))))) Thanks for those messages so very much. Those thoughts that I "should" be doing more to heal is partly akin to pressuring myself, blaming myself for all of my problems. And thinking that I "should" be able to fix it myself equates to wanting some control, some power over my situation. The obsessing over what is and isn't in my power gets maddening. Maybe I'll never figure it out. Sometimes, I've done all the right things and still find no relief.

It's not easy for me to believe in a Higher Power, but I like the feeling of surrendering, handing over all my troubles and unmet desires to something greater than myself. But, I'm forgetful or lack faith, and I usually grab back the pile of woe.

Thanks also for validating my feelings of envy and resentment. I don't want to encourage those feelings within myself, and don't want them to take root, but I always shame myself for having them, thinking, "You shouldn't feel that way. That's not being a nice person". Yet, dammit, I do feel that way.

I would like to give up the obsessive habit of trying to figure out what went wrong. There were plenty of times when out publicly, I was in a fear state, remote, appearing disinterested, contracted, feeling defective and not willing to risk rejection or indifference. I always see that as the reason I've always been single. But, there were other times, when in a better state, I was open, warm, playful, compassionate, greeting everyone with eye contact and a smile. I stayed home too much, turned down invitations in the other depressed state when younger. But, at other times, I went to dances, other events, went to a job, traveled, and it still never led to meeting "the one". I drive myself insane with the question "Why, why, why?", and on occasion, start feeling punished by the Fates. I know better than to engage in such victim thinking and ruminating on the past. Maybe I'm trying to exorcise it here once and for all. I do appreciate the validation of my thoughts and emotions. I deeply do.