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You're quite right, sabby, as far as you go. But I'm not talking about "where I screwed up" or "twinges of regret." I was trained, as a baby, to stay as far away from reality as is humanly possible without death occurring, and I stuck with it, all my life. No real pleasure. No real human relationships. No real achievement. But, oh yes! very high IQ. As if that means a thing if you can't use it. Everything, entirely, was all screwed up. And "twinges" doesn't quite measure up to the full-blown tidal waves I live with every day.
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Then you must understand that as a baby/child and even into adulthood, you had no choice but to live by what you were taught. That certainly doesn't put the responsibility on you for the dysfunction that was inflicted. Your responsibility for yourself comes from learning different things over the years. Applying what you have learned, whether it is from real life or from sitting in your T's office, that's where the responsibility lies. It sounds like you are taking that responsibility and trying to work through the emotions that come with your new found realizations.
Y, your life is not yet over. You have not blown it. You still live and breathe and exist on this planet.....hence....you still have a chance to find some healing and better mental health. By all means, fight through the emotions you are feeling....possibly a huge amount of anger (make sure it's directed to the proper places and not all on yourself), sadness for what you feel you missed out on all these years, maybe even some apathy as well. It's all okay. These are your emotions and you have a right to them. But please, don't let yourself dwell in those places for too long. You have work to do for yourself and dwelling in the negative keeps you from your appointed rounds
I'm okay and you're okay......we're all gonna be okay
