Okay so Two sessions ago my T and I barely brushed the trauma subject. I have been seeing her since October and had not mentioned anything related to the past since our first session.

She seems to think that going there will help me better handle the pain that I feel like I'm wrapping tightly around me every day. She seems to think that the inner pull I always feel to destroy myself will be lessened if we talk about the past. But I feel disgusted with myself for blaming the past for my pain. I feel selfish and awful, weak and disgusting, and just flat out ashamed of myself for even CALLING something "trauma" let alone deciding that it's something I should work on or grow from.

Sometimes I think that "trauma work" would be useless for me, that it's just further dwelling on the past, that I should look forward and face my real-life fears and work on today stuff instead of yesterday stuff. Even if my today fears are wrapped up in yesterday's stuff, isn't examining the past kind of like fixing your eyes on a rear-view mirror when you should be watching the road?

But at the same time, the reaction I had to that session almost two weeks ago where we briefly touched trauma floored me. She brought up that my experience at work (feeling helpless and silenced) and my emotional reactions to it might be mirroring something that happened in my past. I have never broke down in therapy like I did after she said that. I cried and cried and couldn't speak. But then afterward I felt SO much better. Like the sun was finally shining. Finally someone understood why it was so incredibly hard for me to deal with this kind of work stress. Why I'd rather have a boss scream at me than have a boss who found ways to subtly coerce me into silence. This meant she would understand so many ways that the past has woven its thread into my life and choked me. And at that moment, I was sure I wanted to process my past with this woman who was just so simply and elegantly a fantastic therapist.

But now I am just feeling unsure. Not sure if it's worth it or not. Not sure how to start or not. Last session I just pretended I'd forgotten all about the session where we'd touched on these issues. I even told her, "I forgot all about that," because she wanted to talk about it and I was trying to avoid it. So, I lied to her. Then I changed the subject.

Don't know where to go from here.