Just to update:

I am in a 12 step program, and as I was driving to my meeting tonight, I was realizing a few things. One thing was that the last time I was at this meeting, 2 weeks ago, I had to stand up in front of the group and tell my story. For the whole hour. I've never done it before, and even though I am pretty open on here, in real life, NO ONE knows my history. Nothing about it at all. I didn't plan on going into any details in my story, but a little hint of it is out there now. So, I was really really not wanting to walk in the door and I wished that I could call T and just leave a message and tell him how I was feeling.

And I realized that I am coming off of a couple of weeks of big triggers, I have had NO sleep, TODAY is the anniversary of something fairly traumatic, and that if I cut myself off from T, I would just spiral down into who-knows-where. I really really really don't want to get into a place I can't get out of, and with the lack of sleep, I feel like I'm on shaky ground.

I know T can't call me. That isn't how my therapy works. It's one of the boundaries. So, I just made myself pick up the phone and leave him a message. I'm not even sure what I said. I think I mainly said what I said in the beginning of this post. I asked him to call back and leave a message, even if it's just to say that he got my message.

It sucks to be in this spot. I really, really don't want to allow myself to feel any worse than I already do, AND T really, really confused me and hurt my feelings. Ugh.

Anyhow, I know I won't hear from him tonight, so I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings. I just hope I can get some sleep.

Thanks for the listening and the support and the hugs. I'm so grateful to have PC to come to.

Now I wait, I guess.