You are right on the money about the questions. I get so nervous thinking I like him more than he likes me. I become a mute whenever I want to tell him something that I like about him because I think it will scare him away. I think I need to give more of a background into my situation. It will be long, so for anyone that can get through this, thank you so much! I appreciate it. Warning: I'm a stickler for details and this is LONG.

In the beginning of February we had dinner and it was fun, but I wasn't sure if it was a date. Then two days later we were texting like crazy all day. He had gone out drinking with his friends. He's an alcoholic and hadn't drank that much in months. I'm not exactly sure how drunk he was, but that night I ended up over his friends house and we slept together. (Note: Before I came over I told him that if we slept together we would be exclusive with each other. I wouldn't talk to anyone else and neither would he. He agreed) He kept telling me he wasn't drunk, but I'm not that naive and think he just didn't want to believe how drunk he was. Now, I don't just go around with guys and sleep with them. In fact, he is the first guy I've ever slept with. This also makes me wonder if that is why I'm so attached to him, but I'm unsure about that. I wasn't saving myself or anything, but I never took losing my virginity very seriously. There was just never the opportunity with anyone I liked. Funny enough, on the way to his friends I was nervous, but as soon as I saw him my nerves were gone. I am so comfortable around him and that is a new feeling more me. I'm usually nervous around most people, but he is different. Also, it is not as though I have just met him. We have been working together for a little over a year and a half, but we didn't start talking to each other and becoming friends until August of 2010. If I had just met him I wouldn't have slept with him, but we've become friends and would go out to eat after work most nights we worked, sometimes with another co-worker sometimes just us. This started in August and we still do it now.

A week and a half after we slept together I spent the night at his house and he asked me about relationships. I said I was pretty happy in my life and was ready to be with someone. (We both agree that you can't depend on someone else to make you happy. He said he had done that before and it never worked.) He said that he couldn't have a relationship right now because he has just started college and is focusing on his sobriety. He had been in school 10 years before, but didn't take it seriously. He ended up dropping out and some of that had to do with a girlfriend and his drinking. He believes that this is his last chance and is taking his studying very seriously now. I understood what he was saying. He said that he gives a lot himself into a relationship and can become obsessive over it and wasn't sure if he could handle a relationship and school because of what happened to him the last time in school. This made me sad and he asked if I was mad at him. I wasn't because I know he has to take care of himself and I want him to do well in school. In fact, I helped him a lot in applying for financial aid and other school stuff since I had just started school again earlier in the Spring. I think that is what initially brought us together as friends. His friends aren't in school anymore and he had been putting it off for a while, but me and our coworker encouraged him to do what he wanted.

So, since he wasn't ready for a relationship I figured that nothing would happen much between us. However, starting the next day he started to text me a lot and we would see each other everyday. We go out to eat sometimes (where he usually insists on paying) and we study everyday together since that night. It confuses me because I thought he didn't want a relationship, but sometimes I feel like we are in one. People at work think we are together and when we go to get coffee the employees at Starbucks assume I am his girlfriend. He touches me as much as he can and it is like his friends barely exist, he talks about them all the time but rarely sees them. Even tonight, he was in school all day from 8am-8:30pm and he still wanted to see me before he had to pick up his brother from work around 11pm. I didn't think we would see each other at all today because of his schedule, but we had talked on the phone and texted each other today like usual, but its like he must see me. He was practically falling asleep in his chair. Personally, I love that! I love seeing him everyday and I'm surprised I don't get tired of him considering I'm usually a loner and don't need that much attention from people. But he's different for some reason.

But the whole "I can't have a relationship right now" thing is always in the back of my mind. He said that to me and then immediately said he didn't know afterwards, like he likes me but he is scared of falling back into the same routine that happened the last time he was in school. I don't pressure him into anything, but I also find myself holding back from him because I am scared that he isn't as into me as I am into him. One second he will talk about how much he loves being single and the next second he will say we should move to California together. The other week he told me about this girl in his class and said how he could marry her. I didn't know what to say to that because he jokes around a lot and I find it hard to tell when people are serious or not. Sometimes I think he just says those things to gauge my reaction. Why would he spend so much time and energy with me and say something like that? Even when he is in a bad mood he'll come hang out with me and I can tell he starts to feel better. I don't think he knows what he wants and that drives me crazy because I know what I want. That then makes me feel as though I have no control of the situation and I am at the mercy of him and his feelings. Then my mind goes into overdrive and I think how one day he is just going to drop me because he found a different Ms. RightNow. And then I get myself depressed.

However, I then tell myself that he texts or calls me everyday. About 90% of the time it is him initiating contact first. He texts me goodnight and sometimes goodmorning. He always assumes we are going to hang out together everyday, but still asks me what my plans are to make sure I'm free. He's funny, polite, responsible, friendly, and an all around good guy. He does have a drinking problem, but he's got a lot of control over it compared to how he used to be. It is still a daily challenge for him and he's very open about with me. In fact he is open about a lot of things with me. He has introduced me to his brother (who he is really close to and protective of) and we have dinner with him occasionally. He constantly brings me his mom's food to try and we usually share our lunch while at work. Yet, I'm too scared to ask him about anything that has to do with relationships. I think it might scare him off, but then I question whether I'm too guarded.

At first I was scared that he thought we were just friends with benefits. However, we actually don't get to sleep together too often and he doesn't put pressure on me about sex. Sometimes we flirt, but we also have real conversations too. I don't know how a guy usually treats a girl in a FWB situation since I've never been in one. I feel like we are dating more than anything. I just want to know where we are going, but I'm too scared to ask. We have been "dating" about 5 weeks and my friends say that I should just enjoy it and let things happen naturally. But I tend to be hard on myself and have a lot of doubts. Then I worry. I don't want us to not become something someday. I like him so much if he wanted us to move in together tomorrow I wouldn't even give it a second thought, I would say yes. And that thinking scares me because it shows how much I like him and how much it will hurt if it doesn't work out. Someone said I need to "check my emotions for him" but I'm not sure how to do that. I can't tell myself not to like him. I don't date and I will only spend this much time with a guy when I am thinking of a long-term prospect. The idea of dating various guys before settling down depresses me. When I see a guy I want, I want him and no one else, but I become friends with hi, first before I even think that I would date him. So if I find a guy attractive and I don't become his friend then I never even get to the dating route. This i usually what happens since I am 27 and this is the first guy I have dated since high school. I couldn't date a stranger, I'm too shy and guarded. I could marry this guy and I'm not the type of girl that dreams of marriage. So if it doesn't work out all I can think is how this is my only chance. I don't often like a guy this much. I have to make it work and not mess it up. My last boyfriend was 12 years ago in another 12 years I'll be in my 40s. With my track record I can't imagine being interested in anyone else like this ever again.

Sorry for the length, but I feel like writing it all out is therapeutic for me. I already feel better.