((((((browneyes)))))) I am so sorry you are struggling with so much right now. It is such a painful place to be and it drains all your resources to cope. I know from my own experience how rage can cause so much havoc in your life. Rage has caused me to quit jobs on the spot over the years and then being stuck with the consequences. It is rough especially lossing your medicad. I hope that is resolved soon so you can get the help you need. Does that include see a doctor? If things get to hard to cope with in the meantime can you go to the hospital for help?

I am glad you posted so you can know that you are not alone during this time. We can all relate to your pain and sometimes, while we never wish any of this kind of suffering on anyone else it can be comforting to remember there are people out there who get it. Keep posting so we can be here to lift you up as you work through to a better place. You will get to a better place so hang in there browneyes.

I know too about self medicating with pot. It was my drug of choice to temper anxiety and like you I used it to quiet the raging. I am sure you have already noticed it is not only just a temporary solution but it can also over time begin to escelate symptoms. It seemed to make my depression worse but it took me awhile to accept that because the break from the anxiety was something I didn't want to give up. I go to it now and then but I avoid using for any length of time or it just becomes counter effective.

One thing I would really encourage you to do is to show yourself kindness. I get how the guilt and regrets can knock you down and get blown up when your brain is being mess with and your thoughts are all over the place. Add to that sleep deprivation and the restless brain goes into overdrive. You brain starts to play tricks on you.

Are there things you have done that have helped you when it gets this wild? Maybe a long bubble bath or a walk in the fresh air or listening to music? I like to watch a funny tv show or a movie. Laughter is great medicine. It often helps me turn things around a little to show myself some kindness. To just take some me time so it can distract me for a while from the buzing in my head. It can help bring the rage down a few knotches. Maybe your hubby can give you a message or a back rub. Give yourself permission to take a break and pamper yourself to help you get through this.

It can also help to remember that 'it is not you but it is the symptoms' that are out of wack right now. You are still the person your husband loves. None of this is your fault. The raging is a symptoms and once you get the help you need things can turn around for you. You have lots of people here who understand and can stand with you. You are not alone.

And by the way, welcome to PC. Wishing you better days ahead and I hope you can get some sleep soon.