I don't even know what I'm doing here. Well, I guess I can start by introducing myself. Hi. I'm fifteen, home-schooled, and I have no clue what's wrong with me but I'm pretty sure something is wrong. I don't know where else to put this, even though I don't think I'm quite bipolar. I apologize in advance if there are typos or sentences that don't quite make sense, it's almost 3AM where I live and I really just need to get this off my chest.

So, it all started on the first day of sixth grade I guess, when my mother and I got into a car accident. I remember the exact date, too. I was so shaken up after that day. That was the event that triggered a number of my mother's health problems, as well as my anxiety. I was also depressed for awhile after that, but it was nothing major. It was barely mild depression.

Then, I entered seventh grade. All my friends were gone, and by then my depression morphed into mild, almost moderate depression. It was difficult for me to make friends. My mother pulled me out and decided to home-school me a month or two after school started, which really messed me up. I was severely depressed and angsty for almost two years after that, up until the latter portion of eighth grade. Then I started going "up and down". Two years later (I'm in 10th grade now), my moods are still up and down. I've never had a manic episode, although by the definition of it, I'm guessing I've had a number of "varied" hypo-manic episodes. I say "varied" because not all of the hypo episodes were pleasant. Some of them made me highly irritable, to the point of picking fights for no reason and wanting to stab something. Other times I'd be really depressed and wanting to curl up and cry.

Just recently I've fantasized about cutting myself (which I have NEVER done before, and do not plan on doing!) I'm just so terrified right now, all I want is to know what's wrong with me. My mother has been saying for years that it's just hormones, but I just talked to her today about everything (minus wanting to stab things and fantasizing about cutting myself), and she said she'd take me to her therapist. That's all fine and dandy I guess, but I don't trust strangers...especially therapists. I'll try to open up to her, but I doubt I'll be able to.

Anyway, I'd like to apologize in advance if this ruffled some feathers. I'm not trying to make light of manic depression, I just really needed to say all this before I exploded. It probably just is hormones, but...I'm just scared, I guess. I honestly feel like it's something more than just a phase. Anyway, thanks for listening.