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Hello,
I am 30, born on June 7. I have a 5yr old daughter. I've been in an off and on relationship for the past 8 years. It has come to my knowledge that I have a disorder. I have studied my behavior patterns and done some research and I have come to realize I am bipolar.
I am not married. After 6 years since I had my daughter, I have struggled much in my relationship with my partner. It never seems to progress. This last time we got back together after a really bad break-up, we agreed it would be our last shot at making it work. Our relationship went well for 5 months.
My boyfriend had some behaviors of his own I battled with (depression, anger). He had a few losses in his family within two years including his eldest brother and step-father. I would acknowledge a problem when one would arise with him and would try an be supportive; however, considering our past problems in our relationship that would trigger fights, I would avoid any problem by keeping away during the present moment. In turn, my partner felt I was leaving him hanging and didn't care. We would talk about the present issue and have it resolved.
I can be the happiest woman alive one day to being the worst thing that has ever happened to my boyfriend the next. I broke up with him a month ago. I was feeling disregarded. The moment I am feeling alone and he's out doing something else he enjoys, I become anxious and make comments that would make him respond and give me answers to help reassure me that he is not out doing what I think he may be. I brought up a lot of our past problems that still haunt me on this day. I don't feel i can fully forgive him; however, I love and care about him very much. He has come a very long way since we both met and has stepped up. I feel safe when I am with him. I only feel comfortable with him. Not even with my own family do I feel comfortable being around.
Now I feel I am losing him for good. He's tired of going back and forth with me. He tells me that he never stopped loving me and caring for me, but that I need to find help. He's done with all the negativity. He says he will continue working hard to help support our daughter and help me the best way he can, but that our relationship has been a failure and why is it that I can not accept that? He's tired of fighting with me. I don't blame him. I am hurt.
I don't have insurance (unable to afford); so, I am not able to find help other than maybe through talking with others.
I regret letting him go and telling him that it's best that I keep away. I did let him know that I just didn't want to hurt him anymore. It's really hard on me and it isn't fair because I miss his company a lot and I feel lost without him. I only have my daughter who helps keep me centered and even so, I just feel like I am getting no where. I live with my younger brother and my daughter shares a room with me.
I recently had my evaluation at work and now I am no longer happy with my job as I no longer have any hope for growth. There is no room for me to grow in my company without a degree. I am presently studying towards my BA in Health Services Administration, but have two years to go and to be honest, the only reason I am doing this is because I have the opportunity to take courses online for this degree and not quit my job to do nursing school which I can not risk doing at this time.
I am at the point of not looking forward to anything. I feel my life is meaningless. I wake up every morning and force a smile on my face and come home feeling tired and not wanting to do anything. I don't feel I can do better by my daughter. I'm sitting here in tears because it's unfair that I feel the way i do and have no control. I want my family back and I want to be stable. I don't know how I can achieve that now. I'm slowly losing everything.
If you have gotten this far through reading my post, I thank you and appreciate you taking the time to hear me out. Any advice is greatly welcomed.
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