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Originally Posted by sabby
Then you must understand that as a baby/child and even into adulthood, you had no choice but to live by what you were taught. That certainly doesn't put the responsibility on you for the dysfunction that was inflicted. Your responsibility for yourself comes from learning different things over the years. Applying what you have learned, whether it is from real life or from sitting in your T's office, that's where the responsibility lies. It sounds like you are taking that responsibility and trying to work through the emotions that come with your new found realizations.
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Ah, but I haven't learned a thing "over the years," except during the last six months with T. And what I have learned is what I do not have, have not ever had: a natural knowledge, normally absorbed by a baby in its first two or three years of life, a knowledge of how people work and how to relate to them. And I don't think I will ever have this knowledge, that one cannot absorb it this far on in life except possibly with a full five day a week psychoanalysis. And that lack means that people will always steer away from me, there being something strange about me they can't put their finger on. Human relationships are a dance, a set of non-verbal interchanges, dance figures involving facial expressions, body language, voice tones and exchange rhythms. If you can't do the dance, people are unconsciously wary of you. They don't know why in most cases, or they make things up to describe it (none of which is accurate). And so I'm outside humanity, as if I were a Martian.
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Y, your life is not yet over. You have not blown it. You still live and breathe and exist on this planet.....hence....you still have a chance to find some healing and better mental health. By all means, fight through the emotions you are feeling....possibly a huge amount of anger (make sure it's directed to the proper places and not all on yourself), sadness for what you feel you missed out on all these years, maybe even some apathy as well. It's all okay. These are your emotions and you have a right to them. But please, don't let yourself dwell in those places for too long. You have work to do for yourself and dwelling in the negative keeps you from your appointed rounds 
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A very huge amount of anger, with which I'm only now getting in touch (anger wasn't permitted in my family). Yes, my appointed rounds. Whatever they may be. Oh my.
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I'm okay and you're okay......we're all gonna be okay  
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Take care!
__________________
We must love one another or die.
W.H. Auden
We must love one another AND die.
Ygrec23