I can't help anyone, I guess. I wanted things to be so different, but I'm not strong enough. The expectations are too high, I can't even take 12 hours off without damaging friendships or having another emergency at work. It's just something else.

I'm strongly considering leaving PC, as I don't think I an do good here and I feel like I am just accepting good that can be done for others who are both more deserving and want to get better more than I do. I want to get better but I can't take the steps I need to right now and I feel like that is doing more harm than good.

The pain is unbearable right now. Too much to describe. I don't know how to do anything positive like this. I know this gets thrown around a lot with people who are depressed, but I seriously can't seem to do anything right. I try to shift my priorities to people who are important to me and I can't seem to shift enough. It's never enough. Nothing's ever enough, no matter how hard I try. I accept it, now. This is just how life is going to be, unrelenting. I have no much love in my heart and it makes no difference. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.