So. T left the stupidist message for me this morning. I left this heartfelt, vulnerable message for him (and e-mailed a few more thoughts) last night, and he called this morning and left "Hey Tree!!!! We'll work this out! We always do! Bye!".

No "This sounds really hard for you" or "I'm sorry everything is so hard right now" or "I hope you were finally able to get some sleep" or whatever. Just a really short, fake cheery message. I HATE HIM.

I wrote him a LONG and ANGRY e-mail. I thought about copying and pasting it here, but I'm afraid everyone would just .

But, basically, part of what is going on is that I realized that part of why I called him was because I was worried that HE might feel bad or be worried about me, and since he cant call or e-mail me first, I was trying to create an opportunity for us to communicate with each other. What a joke. I'm sure I walked out of the room and he never gave it another thought.

I haven't felt so strongly in a long time that this is a fake "relationship". I know that this has hit on a lot of my core core issues...having someone say "I'll help you" and then hurting me, thinking someone cares and finding out they don't, all of it.

I had all of these walls up for, literally, MY ENTIRE LIFE to avoid being hurt. If I didn't let anyone care for me, they couldn't hurt me. And wow, I totally let down my guard and let T in and I just feel like I am a big fat NOTHING to him. Oh. My. God.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. He didn't reply to my angry e-mail and he won't. I am SO TEMPTED to not go on Thursday, and since he won't call me, and I don't have any appointments scheduled after that, just never go again.

I know it all has to seem black/white and extreme and all of that. But T KNOWS me. HE KNOWS ME. He knows me better than anyone in the world, and even if I could forgive session yesterday (which I pretty much had), his message today was like it was from someone who never met me before.

Whatever. I just hate that he's not going to reply to me. I hate it. And no, I didn't ask for one, because I was afraid he'd blow it AGAIN and this would just get worse and worse.

T knows this is a hard time for me. He sucks.