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Echoes said: Yes I feel it just absolutely overwhelmingly. I also feel like if I'd gotten the help I needed, my life could have turned out so differently. I blame myself for not getting the help too. But something convinced me I didn't deserve help, or that I was just "X" (insert Bad, Stupid, Hopeless, etc) and that was who I was and too bad, sucks to be me. I felt like living life fully was for others, and not me, and what I needed to do was just get used to it.
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Same boat. But I don't blame myself for not getting help. I spent years and years with different T's but I myself was entirely unable to participate, and they didn't pressure me. One T called me catatonic. And I heard him, knew what he was saying, and couldn't react to it, even to acknowledge that he'd said it. I didn't even think about "living life fully."
If you took the entire spectrum of sensory and intellectual inputs with which each of us lives every day and subtracted, say, forty percent of them, your impression of the external world would be very, very strange. Everything, and in particular human conduct, would seem like an abstract impressionist painting.
So, I didn't think about "living life fully," just tried (and never succeeded) to understand what the hell was going on. I knew something was very wrong but really hadn't the faintest idea what. It's only been in the last three-four years that reality has broken through, slowly, bit by bit. And imagine, all this time, all my life, I've been able to talk and write with great facility, so almost all people never realized anything was wrong until they got to know me better.
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I get so overwhelmed by it now. The fact that there is no time now. That there is time for some change, but not great change because this is IT. I feel like I'm right back to 'get used to it'.
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Yes, that's it. Same thing. I'm making progress and, probably, by the time I get into a nursing home I'll have things a lot more figured out. Does that help in a nursing home?
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I raised my son alone and I used to say, this is his time, and when he's grown, then it will be my time. I only had resources for one, was why I thought that way. But he struggled, and took a while growing up (imagine that  ). Now there is no time left.
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No time left. Yeah.
Take good care.
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We must love one another or die.
W.H. Auden
We must love one another AND die.
Ygrec23