trigger do to mention of SU.



when my T brought up how scared i was of her i just froze .it brought back all those feelings and memories.my T saw this and asked if i wanted to talk about what just went through my head.i couldnt so she changed the subject.i want to try and explain as best i can what was going on and let her know but i am worried about it.can i get some feedback if i shouldnt say something or not.this is the letter

Hi
I wanted to try and write to you about what it was like when I was so afraid of you. I have been nervous about coming to therapy, I have wanted to leave to avoid talking, scared to talk about things, but being afraid of you is very different .this has only happened twice that I can remember. I don’t really understand much of what went on at all. So I’m sorry if a lot of it makes no sense
I was ok when I got there and then things got all bad. One minute things were ok but then the next the person who I have come to affectionately refer to as the scary therapist showed up .I had forgotten I had even sent those e-mails, never mind what I had written in them. I was being told to read these things and I was afraid of what you were going to do if I didn’t read them. I can’t seem to come up with the words to even say what was going through my head .I had no choice but to read those words. It was kind of like I was on auto pilot. I had thoughts like, just do what she says and get out. I could hear me reading but my head was saying just do it .I was really scared, I didn’t understand why you were doing this to me and what you were going to do next, especially if I didn’t read those words. After that I could hardly think straight .I just felt so miserable and just terrified. Thinking about it now I still don’t understand why and what went on. I mean I know you would never hit me or anything. I think back now about what is the worst thing you could have done to me then, tell me to leave, call me angry names, heck even if you did hall off and smack me it doesn’t seem to equal the amount of fear I had. I know all this is just stupid now, and I was totally being overly dramatic but please believe me at the time it just seemed really real.
When I left there things didn’t get any better. My thoughts were just crazy and also scary .I kept thinking I wanted to smash my car into a big tree on the way home, that I was nothing. I didn’t want to go home; I didn’t want my husband to ask me anything. I can’t even put words to how I was feeling. I think I was still scared and angry. I thought just making it out of your office would make things better but it didn’t. I hate being that way, so small, so worthless, and a pain in the *** brat. I was just being so pathetic and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop the way I was thinking. That just happens sometimes. I know this but again sometimes it just seems so real. Every part of me believes this as truth.
I wish I could find some way to let you know that at the time it was really no big deal to me that you didn’t get those stupid e-mails. I really don’t want you feeling like it were a huge problem for me because it wasn’t. I really wish that it hadn’t been for you either and I am so sorry for that. I hope you believe I mean that. One more question, Is it ok that I mail this to you. At least I know you have it, even if it is a month from now because you hate getting your mail. I promise it won’t be a big deal. I seriously doubt I will ever have just handed it to you .NOPE NOT READY FOR THAT YET!!!!! .seriously if it is a problem I did this I’m sorry and will accept this fact and not do it again. I know you would rather I just talk but it is not easy. ok time to stop I am scaring myself.
Thanks

sorry it is long and thank you so much is you made it through reading it