I just wrote something down without thinking about it, just sorta let my hand move across the page to see what came out, and I wanted to share what i wrote, but first i need to give some background info...

I've been dealing with anxiety for about 2 years now, and extreme depression. I have never seen a doctor because my financial situation is in the pitt, and (i assume) other psychological issues that arent really relevant. I had non stop panic attacks that I was going to hurt other people or that it was inevitable that one day i was going to crack and go crazy and do bad things. Because professional help was off the table, I turned to guided meditation and cognitive therapy, using the internet as a guide for both.

Today I stand before you mostly anxiety free, my panic attacks few and far between. It was with my anxiety diminished, however, that i realized that there is still something wrong inside my head. I cant figure out what it is, so in a desperate attempt to find out whats going on, I put my pen to paper and came up with this:

"There is a question, and I do not know what that question is. It feels like I have forgotten something very very important to me, that ties my essence together. I cannot continue with my life until I have this thing, until I answer this question. It burns in my mind non stop, always there. Food turns to ash in my mouth because I have not answered this question, emotions are dull or non existent because I have not answered this question. Activites in life mean absolutely nothing to me, I gain neither joy nor sorrow from anything I do, except when I contemplate the question. Relationships seem to mean nothing to me, I care little for family or friends and only try to socialize to help answer the question. I have absolutely no clue as to how to go about answering this question, nor how it even came to exist inside me. But there is something missing, and my only goal in life is to figure out whats going on with me.
I have no other thought in my mind that dosnt follow up with this emptiness, this hollow feeling, this, ****ing, question. WHAT ARE YOU? I’ve tried meditation, philosophy, psychology, religion, science, shouting, calming down, ect… Always when I stop and ask if I have answered the question, it remains there as resolute as breathing. I find myself obsessed with the question, and realize that I have forgotten what it is like to have more normal thoughts of love, finding a partner, bettering myself, learning and growing. I’ve seen that the things that matter to most people mean nothing to me, always it is the question driving 100 percent of me, and I still have no idea what the question is, what this empty void in my chest is."

I think i should also mention that I had a really bad drug experience, and i've been isolated from everyone i knew in high school. I'm not in contact with my dad, who i lived with my whole life, and all my friends have moved away or are married or whatever. I go to work, come home and sit in my room, all day, every day. I'm still coping with drug addictions, but I cant seem to stop doing them, and I cant seem to get myself to go out and make friends, or even care enough to change my life at all. I feel like i'm stuck in this place, trapped in my own body. It seems like the most simple thing, getting up and walking out the door and doing something, but I cant do it.

I dont know, really all I want is for someone to tell me if what i wrote down is happening to anyone else, or ANY thoughts on "the question" that seems to be driving me mad, this sense of extreme loss inside myself. It seems to be the only force thats keeping me sitting in my room, the one obstacle that I just cant wrap my head around, no matter what I do. Again, any thoughts are welcome, I can use any feedback i can get, thats not coming from my own brain.