I hesitantly talked about the part that repeats the pattern of "falling in love" with people and how she became one of those persons. She suggested finger painting while we were talking. So, the best position was us both sitting on the floor. We never did that before and I liked it! It was a little messy but I liked swirling the colors around and got a little distracted from talking. But then I did start to talk and afterward she told me how calm I seemed to be. I said it's because my hands were busy and I like the feel of the paints. My foot fell asleep, though! Minor detail.

I was able to talk about physical/sexual feelings for her but told her that I knew they weren't really for her. She understood me. I said I didn't want her to be afraid of me and she said she wasn't. I was actually looking into her eyes and talking while my hands were finger painting. I needed to be able to look at her, and told her that. So, she told me that it makes sense to get my needs met somewhere else if I'm not getting them met at home. She wanted to know if my H and I connected the way she and I do in therapy. Of course the answer was no. That's a major problem.

She said we were connected and I said I'll be disappointed because there wasn't the same intensity as last week, and I wanted that but didn't want it. That I think it's a borderline thing. I have to learn to live with the middle ground.

That's where it stands now. My T understands me and I can tell her anything. The frustrating thing is that I don't know what to do now. I went home and tried to tell my H what I need. He's clueless about my needs though I don't know how he could be. He says I only want people who are unavailable. That's only partially true. My T says there's safety in that. I'm not quite sure that's it. I want my H to be more like those people; they're more exciting.

I guess it was a good session. I felt calm eventually, though it took a while until I stopped feeling anxious. I do feel disappointed but I wouldn't want the intensity of the last session all of the time. No one has that in real life. It's hard for me to let go of it, though.

Rereading this I see that it isn't written so well. I don't have energy to redo it. It's been a long day!