Thank you guys so much. What I'm getting out of this thread is, it's important that I stay open to "going there," and that it will help me in the end (since clearly there is a great deal of pent-up emotion there) but that there is no need to push it before the natural progression of things brings us there.

It really kind of sucks though because I only have until August 1 and then I am moving away to graduate school. I am SO excited about going to grad school and finally starting my training to become a T and a psychotherapy researcher! But I am not excited about leaving this T that I've grown to trust and respect.

(By the way, to KC, and any others who remember that old thread, T and I talked openly about the lawsuit I found out about. Turns out she was stricken from the lawsuit almost directly after it was filed because she had the least to do with the allegations. She also chose to leave the university after the lawsuit. She said I can feel free to bring it up anytime I'd like to, anytime I have more questions. I feel okay about things -- I have chosen to believe what she told me.)

She's trained in many different trauma processing therapies - EMDR, PE, CPT -- so I really should take advantage of this while I still have her around. If she can help me comb out the tangled knots of my past so that I can move forward, I should take advantage of it.

Oh so much fear though. And stalling, procrastinating -- always finding something else to work on, something else, something else. First session I told her I wanted to process things from the past. Six, almost seven months later, we're just barely brushing it? I've procrastinated soo long. I only have so much time. Can I really trust that this will just unfold for me? Or do I have to push it? The problem is, to push it, I have to find that place inside of me that cares enough about ME to go there, to tell someone, to say, what I went through, that was trauma, and I want to work on it.

Oh Jesus Christ.

I'll never be able to do it.