saw austin-t on monday. been getting down, was talking about the experience of it all. at one point i mentioned a particular thought i tend to have about myself, and how as my depression gets worse how it progresses and becomes this all consuming thing which i live by. it's not something i typically believe -- if i'm not depressed the thought doesn't any reality to it.

austin-t kept starting to say that "people who have..." and then stopped himself, and started again saying instead that many people have those thoughts. but as we were talking he kept falling into the "people who have" territory and stopping himself short. i don't think the diagnosis is something he wanted me to hear.

he wants me to monitor this particular thought over the next week, so i can see how it changes. he also wants to know how i'm different when im not depressed -- why i see myself as two separate people. this is probably the firs time he's given me homework.

of course i got home and read up, and it looks like a feature of psychotic depression. i had assumed when we were talking that maybe he meant OCD, but it doesn't fit into the OCD spectrum . and yeah, yeah, yeah self diagnosis = bad, but i reserve my right to do so anyway! i preferred being melancholic. psychotic sounds so much worse.