haha, aww - thanks to all you pros for replying .

i'm trying to tell myself to just chill about it -- whatever "it" is happens to be something i've been dealing with for the past 5 years regardless of it having a name or not. i guess the problem is that i look at relapse/recovery rates, but i guess there isn't much difference between melancholic & psychotic depressive subtypes either.

austin-t believes really strongly that i need meds as part of my well being plan, which is maybe why he's a bit more into diagnosis than other therapists.

for reference, the particular thought = extreme guilt, a feeling of being a bad person. as i get more depressed it dictates how i behave more and more, to the point where e.g., i'm scared to go grocery shopping -- if i give the check out chick small change i'm worried i'm going to hurt her because she'll be touching the coins also. this is even if i'm super careful and don't make eye contact. then i worry that even standing on the same floor as her is going to hurt her, and then i worry about everyone else in the store. it gets bizarre, i guess, but it's only something i've really thought about now . at the time it does seem to make sense, just an automatic belief i dont even need to think through. it just is.

i also get auditory/visual hallucinations, but pdoc has always brushed them off as being part of a ptsd-phenomena. im kind of.... suspicious that he's always down played them, and now i'm (jumping ahead of myself) and starting to be sad that he hasn't been upfront with me about this previously.