This is pretty insightful of your husband. I understand this issue well because I had it exactly!

I have always believed that we chose our spouses for certain reasons at the time. And I really believe that many people chose spouses who are distant because this distance is what was needed at the time of spouse choosing. Then the one person starts to work through this fear of intimacy thing and then isn't happy with the spouse that they chose. I believe it can be worked through, however.

I also think that we like the more intense interactions because they really do feed our starvation for connection, because usually, we feel safer keeping people back away from us but this is what leads to our starvation. Working through this is possible. Working to that happy medium where we are no longer are afraid to let people close, so then we get our connection needs met at an appropriate level. So no starving and then gorging..........

As always rainbow, I think that you are doing great work. You are doing great work being present in T and being open and then thinking through where you are at in your work.